The Best Friday Night Includes

~Actually accomplishing some homework so you don't feel like a failure for doing the subsequent items on this list

~Starting a boob tag game

~Getting sweet, sweet revenge by merciless tickling

~Making yummy food for friends, and trying a new recipe

~Laughing until it hurts

~Playing a game of euchre with four people that actually know how to play

~A beautiful night outside

~Eating way too much popcorn

~Making birthday calls

~New life experiences

Lists

I love:

~having old campers run up to me when I visit and attack me with hugs.

~seeing campers grow up and mature into incredible young ladies of the Lord.

~dancing like a fool with my little brother and sister and have it be totally cool.

~getting to take off my 3 and 1/2 inch wedges after hours of wearing them.

~having a clean apartment.

~not failing at the charleston during wednesday night jam.

~fantastic double dates that last until 1 am.

~having a pet preying mantis named Matilda.

~finishing summer class and being able to hang out with people every night.

~roomie dates to Steak and Shake at 1:30 in the morning.

~not paying for food because your job supplies you with plenty.

~lazy Saturday afternoons with random trips to Wal-Mart.

Time Wasting

Reading other people's blogs always makes me want to blog again.

Tomorrow I'm moving out my summer apartment after work. It's hard to believe the summer is almost over. Granted, there is still almost a month left until school starts, but it feels like time has just flown by. I'm kind of disappointed in myself though. Maybe I did a lot this summer, but it doesn't really feel like it. I had so many high and lofty plans for the summer. I was going to read a lot of books and spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer, I was going to go deeper in specific friendships, I was going to have a super memorable summer. But I don't feel as though I accomplished much. It's been really frustrating to me the last couple months of how complacent I have gotten with my life.

I visited my roommate Ginny down in Boonville last weekend which was a fun adventure. On Sunday we went to service at her church which is a Foursquare Church. For those of you like me who had no idea what that is, I think the best way to describe it would be a branch of Pentacostal. There were a lot of loud of loud voices singing and praying and proclaiming truth, people had their shoes off(yay, just like me!), they were exuberant in their worship, their faith was written all over their face. There was also some things that I wasn't very used to, like speaking in tongues and lots of praying over people.(to the point where they fell over, filled with the Holy Spirit perhaps?)

All that aside though, the sermon really spoke to me. The speaker talked about time. About using the time we are given to live the life God has called us to live. To not waste the time we have, because once it passes, we can never get it back. She talked about all the distractions in our life that cause us to waste our time.

Some of the things I wrote down while listening were:

"The purpose of distraction is to make you forget why God gave you time in the first place."

"We have been given time on this earth to do what God has called us to do."

"When we understand why we are here on this earth, what our specific calling is, we can focus on it. Getting rid of the distractions in your life gives you time."

"There is a difference between something being restorative and being a distraction. A distraction pulls you away from the work of God"

"When we misunderstand why we are here, we misuse our time."

All this really clicked with me and really frustrated me at the same time. Because I am a time waster. I remember listening to Adventures in Odyssey when I was younger(read a few years ago) and there was an episode done in a Twilight Zone fashion. The story within the story was about a girl who wasted time by always going to the mall and a boy who wasted time by always watching TV. Their lives were so consumed with their time wasters that they missed out on anything meaningful in life. Granted, those stories were a tad extreme; the girl spent 20 years in the mall to come out and find that life had gone on without her, but they still drive home a point. I try to cut out the distractions in my life, but I'm really good at finding new ones all the time. If I cut off facebook, I find a new website to browse. If I cut off TV, I find random things to read(read NOT homework). But I don't really know how to stop this. My goal for this next semester is to not waste time. I want to severely limit my time on the computer not related to school, I want to stop communicating with people via facebook or google+. I really want to be dedicated in my schoolwork and with building relationships with my roommates and other friends.

I truly believe that when we cut out distractions in our life, when we get things done that need to be done without procrastinating, that God can use that to open up possibilities for discussion with people, for kingdom work to be done. I want to be able to get my homework done in a timely manner so that when I have spare time, I can use it to write a letter to a friend, or read my Bible more, or tackle the stack of books I have sitting on my dresser.

I need some motivation and some sticking-to-my-guns-ness.

*sigh*

Now I REALLY should be in bed

Since that last post took a turn for the venting, I thought I would write another one that is a bit more light-hearted.

Things that have been happening in the last week:

Wednesday was swing at the engineering fountain which was entertaining. I danced a lot with a friend, Andrew, and it was quite delightful.

Thursday night was the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. The final installment in the Harry Potter series and I went with Dan and Devon in full costume and it was SO much fun. Dressing up to go to midnight premieres has become one of my favorite things to do, I only wish I had gotten into the Harry Potter movies prior to the 7/8 and 8/8 ones. Oh well. Next up is The Hobbit apparently. :)

Friday night I went to a campfire at Camp Tecumseh and I got to visit with my old partner Abby and some friends that are working again this summer. I also got to see Josiah and Jess which was tons of fun. They were BOTH in Hip Hop clinic this year and they gave a killer performance at the campfire. I was so proud of both of them!

Saturday Dan and I went up to Michigan City to see Ethan perform in Guys and Dolls. From that night I learned that Ethan is a bang up dancer, yellow Amps and Salt and Vinegar chips are the best road trip food, you won't get mugged in Michigan City while sleeping in your car if you park in the right place, and the BEST dance move to do while singing EVER. :D Just ask me next time you see me and I'll show you.

Sunday Dan and I spent forever trying to do our laundry. Have I ever mentioned how much I thoroughly despise doing laundry? I also got my hair dyed(it's so prettiful!) and I got a smidge of a tan at the pool. :)

Things I'm looking forward to in the next week:

Wednesday night is a big DJ battle at swing, that should be thoroughly exciting. :D

Thursday night I think I'm going to head back to camp to spend the evening there with Abs on her night off. Thinking about maybe crashing Day Camp Family Night...

Friday night Dan is taking me out for a fancy date and I'm going to wear one of my new Goodwill dresses.

Saturday I have an all day micro lab in Terre Haute and then it's off to Boonesville, IN for a weekend with my roommate Ginny. We're going to go bridesmaid dress shopping for her wedding next summer!

I should be going to bed...

...but I felt like writing here instead.

I've been wanting to post something here for a while, but life seems to be too chaotic to ever get my priorities in line long enough to do anything. I can't say that it is too busy, because in all reality it's not too busy, it's just too chaotic. Things are all kind of messy right now and I am trying so hard to get it all back in order again. Despite how my room might get sometimes, I really do like things neat and organized so much better.

Work is taking a lot out of me. I feel like I'm there all the time, and when I am there, there is so much for me to do. Reports to write and tests to make up and boxes upon boxes of food to finagle around our tight spaces, plus a group of people to manage. I don't like managing people very much. I could have told you this before, but now I really know. It would be one thing if I had picked them all. For instance, I have no problem working with and directing my dancers, but I chose all of them to be there. At work, I just have to manage a group of people that 1. are mostly all older than me 2. I had no say in hiring and 3. I used to just be co-workers with. So I know the situation isn't ideal, but I still don't like managing people like that. It's far too frustrating.

I had a conversation with Dan the other night about the lack of standards in this world. Now I'm not talking about moral standards or ethical standards or what have you. I'm talking about work ethic. Whatever happened to it?? I truly don't understand how so many people can settle for less than the best they are capable of. I don't understand why we as a society have made it okay for people to be complete slackers in their job, and for that to not be okay. I don't understand when efficiency went out the window and why we can't make a few more steps to make things infinitely better. The more I continue to work at my job, the more I realize why Purdue deals with so much debt. Why budget cuts are consistently happening and what is preventing the school from a higher standard of education. We've settled. All of us. We have settled for far less than what we can obtain and we are all okay with that. In fact we choose to praise and reward it. This absolutely blows my mind. It kills me when I think of how much money we could save at the lab. Of how much more efficient we could be. How much more eco-friendly, responsible, and fiscal we could be. But we aren't. We give all of that up for what? Some might say convenience, but I don't think it's convenient at all. I think it's wasteful. Granted, I'm not a department head, I don't understand how every little facet works. But from my lay person perspective, I see so much room for SIMPLE improvement. GAAH!!!

Rant over.

Something to Talk About

2 Things that have happened recently:

1. Got "promoted" to a "supervisor" position at the sensory lab. I say "promoted" and "supervisor" because those are the easiest words to say, but not necessarily entirely accurate. Basically, the guy who was in charge of things on a day to day basis in the lab, Dan, got a real grown up person job in Chicago and left us this week. Which is awesome for him! And now in the words of my co-workers, I am "the new Dan." I am in charge of the product coming in, deciding when tests will be run, coordinating with the industry people that want us to do the tests,(mostly one person at Kroger, lol) keeping the lab clean and organized and running smoothly, fixing all the computer problems,(I know, makes you wonder why they picked me to do this) writing and sending reports and the like. I was helping out with a lot of these things when Dan was still there, but now it's actually what I am expected to do. Haven't heard anything about a raise yet, but we'll see...I also get to be the one who sends out the emails telling people we are doing tests which is fun times. :D I think my official title would be the Student Lead, but I prefer to pretend that I can fire my friends. :D

2. Learned the Lindy at swing lessons. This is the most common dance that the gang at Purdue does. (funny, because when I was at AU, my friend Josh always said that Purdue people were Lindy snobs and danced it entirely too much, little did I know I would be experiencing that first hand one day!) It's a lot of fun and has made dancing with random leads so much easier because I actually know the footwork they are doing rather than just pretending!

In the Pursuit of God

Today at church, (which was held outside due to the power mysteriously being out, along with most of Campus on top of the hill) Ken talked about pursuing God and what that looks like/why it is important. Aside from the brilliant reading of "What's the Matter, Bunny Blue? there were also a couple of points that really hit me that I thought I would share.


~Actively pursuing God is difficult.

It's not an easy task to yearn to know God. It's easy to read books about God, to talk about God, to tell others about God, but that is not intimately knowing who God is.
I thought a lot about this in the context of relationships and marriage. Partially because gave one example of it, and partially because after our first meeting with Garrett last Wednesday, I've been thinking about marriage a lot. Anywho.
Think about the person that you like/love. You could read a book about him. You could talk about him. You could tell other people about him and how great and wonderful he is. But how do you actually KNOW him? The way that I KNOW Dan, is because I talk to him, all the freaking time. I tell him about my day, he tells me about his, we share experiences with each other, we see each other frequently, etc. etc. But it's not always easy. Knowing Dan has taken A) a lot of time, B) many hard/difficult conversations, and C) a lot of tears and frustration. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I put that much effort and time into my relationship with my Lord and Creator? Absolutely not.

~Great relationships are formed when each person is actively pursuing each other to the same degree.

I have crushed on a lot of boys in my day. It pretty much started in Kindergarten and never stopped. I used to keep a list in the back of my diary of all the guys I had had crushes on so I wouldn't forget about any of them. Oh boy. I teased and flirted with all of those boys, to some extent, but I never had any sort of relationship with them. Why? Well partially because I was 10 years old and anyone who thinks that a 10 year old can have a boyfriend is off their rocker. But also because these boys probably didn't even know that I liked them and they never gave any effort or thought to pursuing me. I was pursuing them (in a way that 10 year olds can) but that pursuit was not reciprocated.
This was further understood when I thought about the boyfriends I actually did have when I was older and in high school. At some point all of them ended for one reason or another. Oftentimes it was because one of us didn't want to put as much work and effort into the relationship as the other. We were contributing unequally and we were in an unpleasant situation for both of us. The pursuit of one was not matching the pursuit of the other and therefore the relationship failed.

I feel like the same can apply to our relationship with God. Your relationship will be so much better, so much stronger, and so much more worthwhile, if you are pursuing God as much as He is pursuing you. And since it would be impossible to pursue God more than He is pursuing us, then a better way to look at it would be,

The more that you pursue(seek to KNOW) God, the better your relationship will be because the closer you will get to (unattainable) "equilibrium."

OR

Pursue God as much as He pursues you, that is when a relationship is formed.

Whichever one of those phrases from Allyson's crazy mind makes more sense to you...hehehe.

~When we seek God we will find Him, but we have to prepare for what comes with that.

Philippians 3:10-11

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain tot he resurrection from the dead.

Sometimes knowing God intimately means that we will suffer trials and go through crap. He never promises that things will be easy, filled with fluffy pillows and chocolate fondue, but He does say that He will never leave us and the promise of a life with Him should be enough to press on toward the goal for which he has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All this to say that I was really challenged today with what it means to pursue Christ and why is is so important. Recently I have put a lot of thought and effort and time into my relationship with Dan, because I think it is important and because I think it is worth it. Why should my relationship with my Creator look any different?

Not Camp, but that's okay

I've been feeling really restless the past week, really wishing that I was at Camp this summer. But those campsick thoughts were quickly overtaken by the knowledge that I am not supposed to be there this summer and God called me away from there. So this left me with a feeling of frustration of what to do with all these dumb emotions floating around. I'm trying to learn to be content with where I am, but also productive. I want to feel like God is DOING something with me this summer, but I'm having trouble making myself open to the Holy Spirit to allow Him to do that.

I'm not sure any of my thoughts right now will make any coherent sense or go together at all...too many things in my mind! ahhh!!!

I was reading back over the notes I wrote on facebook during my last summer as a Day Camp Counselor. It makes me happy to see how in tune I was with God that summer. I had attended CIY Move before going to Camp that summer, and while that summer was of course not perfect, I remember it with a lot of fond memories. I was so excited about heading to school and growing up and all the things God was going to do with me and through me. It's interesting because when I think back to that summer usually, I tend to remember the negative things. Like how frustrated I was with my boyfriend at the time and how I hadn't gotten the coord position that summer and so on and so forth, but it really was a good summer. It was a good summer though because of what I was allowing God to do through me. I want to get back to that aspect of it. Or not really get back to that, I don't want to regress, this isn't me missing the glory days or anything. I want to come to a place of similar spiritual dependence and rhythm.(does anyone else think that is the most obnoxious word in the world to spell?)

Hmmm....

Anyway, I just felt like vomiting things out in words here, because I can't seem to do much of anything else coherently.

Blank Mind

I've been wanting to write for over a week now. It pops into my mind that I haven't written anything recently, but then I start thinking about what I should write about and my mind goes blank.

I would say that I have writer's block, but I'm not really a writer, just someone who likes the idea of having a blog.

This blcok seems to be seeping into other areas of my life. I have a dance that I need to choreograph next semester, and I have no ideas of what I want to do whatsoever. This isn't such a big deal, I still have the rest of the summer to come up with a workable idea, but it's odd for me to not constantly have an idea rolling around in my head. It doesn't help that I'm not in class or rehearsal or anything, and I haven't been since the end of April.

This lack of motivation seems to be infiltrating every aspect of my life at this point. Not that I'm not enjoying where I'm at this summer. But my life so quickly got into this routine. Get up, go to work, come home, work on micro homework, or make dinner and go to swing. Go grocery shopping, watch movies, etc. etc. I can't really explain what's going on in my mind these days, but it's very boring whatever it is. I have all these ideas and plans. Lists of things that I want to do, and yet I can't seem to just go out and DO them ever.

On the bright side, I made rhubarb crisp this past week and 2 days and 6 people later, it was demolished. And my was it delicious. :D

A Woman: What does this mean?

I struggle with being a woman sometimes. I struggle with living in the world that we do, with the way that women are treated. No, this isn't a feminist rant, somewhat the opposite really.

I'm not doing a very good job explaining. Some background first.

I grew up primarily in a rural Ohio town where the majority of people were farmers and college educations were few and far between. Kids grew up, married the girl next door, took over the family business, and at most lived a town away from their parents. If you needed a stereotypical Mid-Western town to look at, where I was from would be perfect.
But I never totally fit in with that culture. I was far too adventurous and forward thinking I suppose. I wanted to travel and live in Italy and dance and go to college far away and do big things.
My dislike of the rural culture I lived in for so long manifested itself in me in that I never wanted to be "just a stay at home mom or housewife." I wanted to do great things with my life and be a scientist and work full time and contribute financially so that I could do awesome things with my money like start a scholarship or build a dance school or something. "Just being a wife and mother" was the last goal I ever had for my life. Yes, I wanted to be a wife and mother, very badly, but I wanted to do that on top of being a great person.

As I have come to college though, my draw to become a wife and mother has been greater and greater. Obviously I am going to finish my degree and work towards getting a full time job when I graduate, and I do really love college and learning things and such, but my heart is often elsewhere. I want to be a wife and mother so badly. It's the strongest desire on my heart. Even when I have a great day at work or in the lab and I feel really fulfilled in the science I am doing, that pull is always there. But the thought of giving any part of career Allyson just doesn't sit well with me. The world tells me that my career should come first and I shouldn't let anything get in the way of that. And my mind tells me that I don't want to be like those women I grew up doing what I considered to pretty much be throwing their life away. So it is a conflict. Between what my heart, and my head, and the world is telling me.

Granted, no decisions really need to be made about this right this moment. I'm not even engaged for pete's sake and I still have three more years of school to do. But I often think about it and it can be very frustrating at times. I realize that the only opinion in all of this that matters is what God is calling me to do and who he is calling me to be. However, I don't think that He has given me a strong answer on this right now. He has simply said "Wait. Wait for the right time. Wait on my perfect timing. And trust." I don't always like doing that though...

James 4

James 4:7-8

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."

I was struck with how simple these words are and yet how difficult they are to live out. I feel like this is my mantra for my life right now. Submitting myself to God, fleeing the devil, and coming near to God. I haven't been doing a very good job of drawing near to God as of late. I also have been struggling a lot with being jealous of what other people are doing in their lives. Like, all my friends that are living abroad this summer, or people who are being asked to do special things my departments that I wish I had been asked to do, etc. etc. It's really hard for me to be happy for what other people get to do(unless they are a friend) and instead makes me feel more insecure about myself. It's really starting to bother me that this happens to me, I cannot be content with where God has me and what He is doing in my life right now. College has put me into this mindset that I need to always be doing something better than everyone else, and that everything is a competition between me and another person.

My hope is that in drawing closer to God, and learning what it means to submit myself to Him, I will learn to be more content, more grateful, and more appreciative of the opportunities and ways God IS using me.

Your prayers as I start this intentional journey this summer would be most appreciative. I will try and continue to share my thoughts on this as I go along.

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!

Things I learned while swing dancing.

1. Sometimes you just have to wait patiently for the guy to decide to do something fun.

2. It is so relaxing because the follow just has to pay attention, not think about what is coming next.

3. When you have no idea what is going on, make something up that looks like more fun than what your partner is doing. Acceptable moves include skipping, shimmying, and swishing your hips back and forth.

4. Always ask the guys to dance. The more you get out there, the more other people want to dance with YOU. ;)

5. Sometimes you see old friends again, and realize they know a whole more swing than you do!

For realsies though, swing dancing tonight was a lot of fun. Dan and I went to the Level 1 class and then stayed for part of the jam and I really enjoyed it. I have wanted to learn swing dancing for about 4 years now and I never had the time to do it with all the other dance I was involved in. This summer however there are free lessons at Purdue so I plan on taking full advantage of them. It's super exciting. Plus, I saw an old friend of mine there whom I haven't seen since freshman year. We had both said that we were going to take swing lessons the next semester, well he actually did and he showed me a thing or two!

I anticipate many more fun Wednesday nights in the future.

Also, there have been tornado warnings after tornado warnings all day long and I am still alive, in case you were wondering. The storms have been pretty cool though. And I have thus far avoided getting completely soaked. Yay cars!

If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?

ABSOLUTELY.

Yesterday I got to drive Dr. Philip Nelson to the Indianapolis International Airport after the Aseptic Packaging and Processing Workshop at Purdue.

IT WAS AWESOME!

For all of you that have no idea who Dr. Nelson is, he is one of the biggest names in the Food Science world. He won the World Food Prize in 2007(like the Nobel prize for food people), our building at Purdue is named for him(mostly because he started the department in 1983), and anyone who knows the industry knows who he is. I had the privilege of driving him for 1.5 hours yesterday and we had a lovely chat about school and what he is doing right now, and how he met his wife, etc. etc. It was such a fun experience. While I am not usually one to get all starry-eyed with famous people, the amount of work that Dr. Nelson has done in his life, and all the advancements he has helped bring about in my industry are astounding to me. It was somewhat inspiring to me to be able to talk to him. It made me want to do more in my industry, meet more people, and enjoy what my field of study does. He gave a much broader scope of the world.

I also am beginning to throughly enjoy my work this summer. As the days progress, I get to know the people that I work with and fun adventures are had by all. I've never really experienced a camaraderie with my co-workers before, but I am really enjoying the quirky, unique group of people that I work with. Last night we threw together a cook-out/party with all the food that we found in various fridges around our building. We got together at one of the guy's house, grilled things, deep fried things, blended things, and altogether had a great time. We also decided to rappel off a nearby bridge down to the train tracks beneath it which was SO much fun! One of the guys is hardcore into climbing and crazy outdoor adventurey things so it was all completely safe, but also completely spontaneous. It was one of those things that I will tell my kids about when I am older and always remember with a smile on my face.

Pause

I feel like I'm waiting for something.

I'm not really sure what though.

For my summer class to start?

For camp to start so I can see some of my friends on their nights off?

For Josh to get back from Rwanda?

For pre-engagement counseling to begin?

For my first paycheck?

For Caleb to get married?

For something terrible to happen?

For something wonderful to happen?

I don't really know. I get up, I go to work each day, I make food, I see Dan, I relax and watch movies and TV shows that I never got to see during the school year. But what am I really doing? I see all over facebook my friends updating their statuses from Italy and Australia and England and Germany and I just wish that I was somewhere, doing something.

I know that God put me in West Lafayette for a reason this summer. Just like he put me at camp last summer. Just like he does everything the way that he does. But I can't help wondering what it is I should be doing right now. And this isn't the normal saga of what is God's calling in my life and what should I be doing with my life and where am I going and yada yada yada. This is a different wondering. This is a thoughtful ponder of how I should be spending my time after work each day. Or AT work each day. How is God planning on using me this summer? How is he working in me right now? IS he working in me right now?

And then it hits me. Stop watching your movie and go spend some time with God. Have I forgotten how to do that?

13 Things

Things I have learned since starting my new job:

1. climbing rickety ladders to zip tie ropes to the ceiling is SO MUCH FUN.

2. when driving to Marsh, the best mode of transportation is a huge white ghetto van that screams, "I steal children."

3. pumpkin puree looks best when it is covering your arms, legs, shoes, and the front of your labcoat.

4. when alkaline cleaner gets on your skin, it feels funny, don't try this at home kids!

5. there are copy machines in this world that can take 6 double sided pieces of paper and copy them, collate them, and staple them together in packets 50 times in under 10 minutes. such one exists on the second floor of Food Science.

6. Dr. Philip Nelson, the demi god of the food science world, and the guy who made Purdue Food Science famous, has a good handshake.

7. it's not sitting around doing nothing, it's being "on call."

8. no matter how many times you clean the floor of the pilot plant, it will get dirty approximately 7.94 seconds later.

9. Jimmy John's isn't as "freaky fast" when you order 11 sandwiches, 11 bags of chips, 4 drinks, and 2 pickles all in one phone call.

10. if you want your Clean In Place process to work properly, you have to remember to turn the motor on.

11. oftentimes fancy packaging equipment fails to come with the proper pieces or a manual. in these circumstances you do what every good scientist does, make things up.

12. if it takes a little too long to get your samples during a sensory test, the people on the other side of the doors are probably trying to guess movie titles based off of snippets of the movie poster. no big deal, they will get to you when they finally notice the light.

13. when a guy tells you to grab a wrench, never ask what that is. (disclaimer, this was a co-worker, not me)

Periods of Life

I got to go home this weekend for Easter and usually a trip home results in an hours long coffee date with my mum. Obviously, this was the case this trip as well.

Throughout all the things that came up in our conversation, I started talking about my spiritual journey and I realized that it has been clearly defined by periods of learning.

I was a pastor's kid(PK) for the better part of my growing up years and that had a huge influence on not only my life in general, but my spiritual life as well. I spent most of my time trying to be the perfect pastor's daughter: doing everything right, being super involved, always volunteering, never messing up, doing everything a good Christian is supposed to do. I had a lot of genuine faith and I did believe what I said I believed, but there was so much that I didn't have a very good understanding of. I was deeply hurt by other Christians and by the church in my life. I wasn't accepted by them, I wasn't encouraged by them, and as I look back on it I can recognize that a lot of it was due to a lack of authenticity and a lack of grace. Christians in my life were not real and honest with each other, people didn't actually share of themselves with others. All my friendships were fake and shallow. No one really knew me as I struggled to even know myself.

When we left that situation and moved to Anderson, my heart was in a very bitter and a very angry place. I wanted nothing to do with the God that I had grown up with.

Another aspect of my conversation with my mum was the reason that God brought our family to Anderson. What was the purpose of bringing us to that specific community to only uproot 4 years later? Why the move at all? For my dad it was the opportunities it provided him to take care of his mom in her last days. His job and our location allowed her to be moved from Texas to a special Alzheimers home in Anderson and Dad was able to take care of her before she died.

But for me, being in Anderson was a time of healing. It was 2.5 years I had to allow God to work in my heart and life and prepare me for college and for the community at Purdue. If I had gone straight from Van Wert to Purdue, I probably would have strayed very far away from God and from my faith. At the very least, it would have continued to be fake and not life-penetrating. The people that God brought into my life for a time, the experiences that I had and the teaching I sat under while in Anderson brought me to a place of healing, to a place of acceptance, and a place of truer faith and trust in the religion I call my own; in the God I call my Savior.

It's still been a long process of healing and growth as I have been at Purdue, and it will continue to be so, but I am really grateful and appreciative of the time that God put in my life to prepare me for what was next. A lot of time in Anderson was spent in frustration because I didn't feel like I had enough time to do anything, to make good friends, to be someone there. But that wasn't the purpose. Understanding the process that God took me through allows me to be more patient with the struggles I am going through now. Just as I had things to learn in Anderson, and in Van Wert, I have things to learn here at Purdue that I know I will need farther down the road. My faith(and by that I mean the real, practical trust that I have to put in God each day) is being tested and tried a lot. It's a huge struggle for me to be able to relinquish control of how my life goes to the Master Planner. My heart is ready to learn though, and for that, I am truly grateful.

--Plus, God brought my best friend to school with me, so the time that I had in high school again just prepared us for a beautiful friendship to blossom here. :)

All Grown Up

Good news: I got a job for the summer here at Purdue! I will be a Lab Technician working in the Pilot Plant and Sensory Lab in the Food Science Department. I am very excited because this is a job that I really wanted and I am really looking forward to working on something completely new. Plus, both the pilot plant and the sensory lab are very hands on and I'm excited about that aspect as well. Plus, my boss is super friendly and a really nice guy. I anticipate learning a lot this summer. It's also a lot of hours, adult hours. Like 8:30am-5:00pm days. Another new experience to get used to. On top of taking a class in Indy. The summer will be rough, but hopefully rewarding.

Bad news: The job starts right after finals week, so I won't be able to go home for any amount of time. I don't get to go be a kid for a few weeks and enjoy the comforts of home before my family moves and it is no longer my home. When I told my mum, she said that she was happy for me, but very sad that I wouldn't be coming home. I'm sad too. Sometimes growing up isn't very fun. As excited as I am for new experiences and living in an apartment on my own and finally being responsible to pay my rent and cook my food, the thought simply terrifies me at times. At times I just want to be able to go back home and stay in my parent's house and know that they will take care of me. I don't want to think about budgets and living expenses and making good decisions. I just want to hang out with my little brother and sister and build massive forts in the living room and eat pizza for lunch every day.

Who knew that growing up would be so sad? That it would be a celebration as well as a mourning process? That it wouldn't just always feel right?

A Phoenix, Buried

If any of you came to X-Works this past weekend, then you might have enjoyed many of the pieces presented in the show. You might also have wondered what any of them meant! I know that most of modern dance is confusing to understand especially for those that are not exposed to the dance world very often. I personally try to not take a literal approach to my choreography for two reasons: 1. I want each person to be able to interpret it in their own way and have it affect them on a personal level rather than just taking away from it what it means to me. 2. It's a little terrifying to put out there all the personal emotions that often go into a dance piece, particularly this one, "A Phoenix, Buried".

However, I decided that I would explain the reasoning behind this piece to give you all a taste of what runs through my mind. Scary, I know.

So this is my explanation of why I made this piece and what it means to me.

This solo is actually an adaptation of a solo that was choreographed on me 4 years ago by my old ballet instructor, Tricia Graf. She gifted me this piece of choreography when I had to leave the school due to moving to Anderson in the middle of my sophomore year. Originally this piece came out of a lot of angry and frustrating emotions that I experienced during the move to Anderson and my attempt to push God out of my life during that time. As many of you know, my pushing God out attempts didn't work very well. I was going to youth group at Bethany Christian Church and just getting slammed in the face every week with the realness and authenticity of God and who He was. He had never left my side throughout the whole ordeal of the move, the continuation of my parent's rocky relationship, and the feelings of loneliness and hurt I felt . I was getting an overdose of God at that point in my life and it was the only thing keeping me stable.

Coming back to this piece 4 years later, I wanted it to be representative of my life again. But clearly my life has changed a lot in the past 4 years, so the ideas behind the dance would change as well. "A Phoenix, Buried" is about my struggle of meshing my old life(who I used to be, what I used to do, how people used to perceive me) with my new life. This is manifested in the mash of balletic and modern moves throughout the piece. Ballet represents my "old life" and Modern represents my "new life." This is also fitting because most dancers start their dancing career(as I did) training in ballet; it is the foundation most dance forms are built upon. In the same way, my life is built upon itself and I could not have gotten to where I am in my life now, without having first experienced the life that I did.

The dance starts with Ashley at the barre, in typical ballet fashion, but right from the start, you realize that this isn't a normal ballet piece. From the start you can observe the fight going on between trying to be one way, and having something else always seeping back in. This continues throughout the piece with thrashing, chaotic movements and floor work immediately followed by a series of tendus that are interrupted by contractions and contortions of the upper body.

The barre is also a very important part of this piece. In ballet, everything starts at the barre. You begin every class warming up at the barre, you use it to train, you use it for balance, you always come back to it. So in this piece, the barre is always there. Even if Ashley isn't dancing with it, or paying attention to it, it's always there. That foundation will always be there, and that small nagging presence of who I used to be will always be there, in the back of my mind.

The end is somewhat abrupt; the dance has come up to the present time, and the future is unknown. Therefore, the dance cannot continue until life continues to happen. At the very end, Ashley ends in a pose behind the barre, not in the center spotlight. To many this might look like a lighting error, but that is the way I wanted it. In the light is where she is supposed to be, but that ever present barre is keeping her from it. In the same way, the light is where I am supposed to be, but that presence of my "old life" all those expectations of who I am supposed to be, are keeping me from being where I need to be, preventing me from where I should be.

This piece isn't supposed to end with things all wrapped up in a pretty bow, that's not how life ever is. If I wasn't so aesthetically opposed to ending a piece with continual movement, that probably would have been a more logical ending to symbolize the continuation of life. I prefer to think that someone just pushed stop on the dance as if to say, "Well that's the snapshot that you get to see, tune in next time for the continuation of this story." And of course, there will always be a continuation, until I die. Then I can continue the dance in heaven, and won't that be beautiful! :)

I needed a reminder

Why my Life is Blessed and I Should be Thankful:

1. I have an incredible man in my life who supports me, challenges me, and brings me closer to God. He is the only man I have ever loved and I deeply want to marry him someday.

2. I have thusly paid for my college education without the use of school loans.

3. I have great friends(like Josh, Sarah, Ethan, Julia, Monica, Ashley, Hannah, and so many others) who make my life wonderful, happy, and full.

4. I have a fantastic roommate, Ginny, that I get along with swimmingly and I can laugh for hours on end with.

5. I have a talent and an outlet for my creative expression through dance. I have been equipped with the tools and encouragement to form pieces that satisfy my need to say things I can't express in words and opportunities to share that with others.

6. I have a mum who is my biggest cheerleader, pushes me to make the best decisions in life, is ALWAYS there when I need encouragement, prayer, or a hug, and keeps me on track with life.

7. I have my second mum, Lea, who prays with me whenever I need it, is there to vent to, asks me good questions, and provides a wise perspective on life.

Sometimes, I get hit with the jealousy monster in a MAJOR way. Like, to the point where seeing people post things on facebook about awesome things they did or are going to do makes me sick to my stomach and breeds this intense hatred for what their life looks like as opposed to mine. I hate that this happens. I hate that I cannot be happy for other people for how God has uniquely equipped and blessed them, because all I can think of when I hear or see it is, "That should have been me. That is who I was supposed to be." I don't know how to counteract this. I know that these other people, their lives aren't perfect. I don't know how they have suffered in the past or how they are suffering now. I don't know what their home life is like, or what their daily struggles are. I have no basis to my ridiculous jealousy, yet it still continues to fester. Sometimes I feel like if only I knew that their life wasn't perfect, if only I could understand what they have gone through, then I would be able to accept how God has blessed them and know that it isn't the way I was meant to be blessed. Or maybe I should be able to accept that regardless...

Miracles.

That video represents one of the most incredible things I have had the privilege of experiencing. When I met Dan, he was a self-proclaimed agnostic who didn't want to say the word "God" out loud. Through the miracle of God's work in his heart and life, almost exactly one year later, he was baptized on the Spring Break trip in Tennessee. That week held a lot of meaningful and wonderful conversations with each other. Before the trip I was worried about spending such an intense week together, I was worried that we would be clingy and not meet other people, or that Dan just wouldn't experience things to the depth that I did. But my fears were unfounded(surprise surprise) and the week was a great growing experience for us as a couple and gave us a chance to refocus our relationship on God, rather than on each other.

I realized while in Tennessee that when we are "at home" at Purdue, whenever we talk to each other, it usually revolves around what happened that day in our lives. But in Tennessee it revolved around what God was doing in us each day. We were so much more aware of God's working in our lives rather than focusing on ourselves.

It's been a struggle being back to keep that our focus. We so easily slipped back into what WE are doing, and what is happening in OUR lives, we lost sight of God, again.

It's my prayer that we will intentionally grow our relationship as a couple, focused on God's desires for us, rather than our desires for ourselves.

I'm still alive.

I know it's been a while, but to be fair, I was in Tennessee on Spring Break and then trying to be a good student upon my return to Purdue.

Spring Break was so overwhelming, but in a good way.

The fun parts were really fun. There was many a game of euchre beasted with my allstar partner Dan, an adventure at MagiQuest, a trail ride taken on wild mountain horses, and a near death experience with the broad side of a mountain and a mass of mud.

Spiritually it was difficult though. God really spoke to my heart and broke me at times. I learned a lot about community and what that has looked like in my life and how that perhaps needs to change. A lot of broken relationships came to light, as well as new friendships forming.

I'm still processing a lot of information and trying to understand how: community should manifest itself in my life, and how I can take all the revelations, understanding, and desire for God and translate it to real life at Purdue and not leave it on the beautiful mountainside.

More thoughts and notes will come up as well as a video of Dan's baptism. :D

I hate exams

I despise their ability to feel like they have stripped you of all your knowledge that you have so lovingly stored up over the past weeks.

I despise exams with only 12 questions so that if you miss even one you are pretty much screwed.

I despise being made to feel like I don't know anything about a particular subject well I KNOW that I have a damn good understanding of every concept presented thus far.

I despise the large influence exams have over grades as if a few pages of questions accurately reflects the learning that took place during the course of the class.

I despise all the things that those grades ride on and how everyone uses it as a measure against which we rate people into "those I will hire vs. those I will not" or "those who deserve free education and those who do not." Since when did numbers determine the ability of a person to perform well or be a contributing member of society?

These numbers divide our community into this ranking of good, better, and best. We begin to fail to see that each person is worthwhile, has an important place in our lives, and is a treasured being because they are a Child of God and made in His breathtaking image.

I mean, sure I don't want some surgeon cutting into me if they aren't capable of remembering all the things they need to know, and I don't want someone doing my taxes who isn't able to add and manipulate numbers well, but that isn't what I am talking about here.

I'm talking about how destructive these numbers can be. How they segregate people into these groups and give those with the higher numbers this idea that they are better than everyone else. There are few things that I despise more than a brainiac honors student who thinks that the world looks up to them because their GPA starts with the number 4 and when they graduate their first paycheck is going to have more zeroes at the end of it than mine. I'm tired of the engineers and scientists(including me) who think that they are better than those who study something that doesn't require pages of calculations for their homework. Who think that just because they get to wear white coats and have lots of extra letters before and after their name that makes them better than their peer sitting in the Liberal Arts building. I said to a fellow nerd recently that all those people in LA majors help make the world go round just as much as we do, and if they didn't do what they did, our lives would be a lot less awesome. His response was, "Yeah but they can't tell you how the world goes round." All I could think of in response was "Who cares?"

We are all made differently for a reason, because we all have a different purpose in life. So stop trying to rank people into good, better, best, super best and remember that super awkward, or super dumb person in your class was made in the image of our Creator and has just as important of a purpose on this earth as you do.

Interview

That's right, an interview. I have one. On Monday. At 10:45am. With Morgan Foods.

Yup.

You might be asking, "But Allyson, I thought you gave up the whole internship search last semester when you got tired of getting rejected by companies for things you had little control over at the time?" Well, you would be right. I decided to make other plans for my summer that included staying in West Lafayette and taking classes. Those may still very well end up being my plans, this is, remember, an interview, not a job offer. Wow, that last sentence had a lot of commas in it.

I am very excited about the opportunity for an interview. And it's completely a God thing because I didn't even directly apply for this internship. Gwen, the job person in the FS department sent them my resume, along with many others, and they decided that they would give me 30 minutes of their time if I so chose to take them up on it.

I'm also freaking out because while I have had several interviews in my time, most of them were for camp, and most of the time, I had a pretty good odds of coming out with some kind of job. This, not so much.

Anyway, I don't really have a lot of details about the internship that I didn't directly apply for but am interviewing for except that it is in Austin, IN(not Texas, unfortunately) and it's with Morgan Foods which is a co-packing company.(they make food products that they sell to other companies to sell under their label)

It does kind of amaze me, though perhaps it shouldn't by now, how interestingly God can work sometimes. It seems like as of late, He has been giving me a lot of ideas. Like, don't keep your heart and mind set on this one thing, be open to other opportunities. I like to plan my life out a lot and really far in advance, but the past few weeks have been full of a lot of reconsidering. And thus far, He hasn't really imprinted it on my heart that I really need to change anything right now, it's more just been the process of considering other options and keeping an open mind.

Well, that was my day today.

That and an awesome rave with Josh. :D yeeeah awkward dancing!

Whirlwind of Life

Wow, I didn't realize how much time had passed since I had last been on here. Life sure does get crazy sometimes. I'm so looking forward to Spring Break so I can head off to Tennessee for a week and get away from school, Purdue, West Lafayette, the computer, dumb people, etc. Plus, some instituted God-time will be nice as well. It's hard to set aside quality time to just sit in the presence of your creator when there is always homework to be done, people to catch up with, research to work on, things to fix, errands to run...the list goes on and on. I just realized today that I have three exams next week, oops. How on earth has the time gotten away from me?!?

I guess in some ways that is a blessing though because when it is all said and done, I will glad for this semester of my life to be over. There are plenty of awesome things are have happened, are happening, and will happen this semester, but mostly I'm looking forward to not taking my current load of classes and to move on from these few months of life. I'm looking forward to moving out of the dorms and getting to cook for myself again, having a place I can call my own, and just being able to rest, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

There are however some things to look forward to.

Tomorrow Mum, Josiah and Jessica are all coming up to see Blue Man Group and I dearly miss them all. Poor Jess is suffering from bronchitis right now and made a little trip to the ER Sunday night, but regardless I can't wait to hug her again. I've never been much of a homebody, but I've also never had to spend SO much time away from home, even just visits. I haven't seen any of them since the very beginning of January, before I came back to school. I miss not being able to be there for them and see how they mature in their lives. Josiah is almost a man now, his voice is changing, he likes girls, it's crazy! And Jessica just got accepted in the Repertory Company at her dance school, which is a step up from the Apprenticeship that she was in. I am so proud of her!! Unfortunately she will not be able to take the position due to the family moving in the near future, but I am so proud of her accomplishments all the same. She is growing into a lovely dancer. :)

I had a chance to talk to my Mum today and heard good things about Dad and his new job. He is enjoying it a lot more now that it isn't so overwhelming and it sounds as though God has been teaching him a lot in these weeks. I know it's not the ideal situation for him to be apart from the family during the week, but it sounds as though he and mum are still doing well and maybe growing closer because of this. I am thankful that God provided a job for him, regardless of where it is. I do wish that we got free cookies though.....

Also, today in the dining courts a guy called me beautiful, out of the blue. That really made me smile. Not that I don't hear and appreciate it from Dan all the time, but when a random person says it to you, it kind of takes you aback and makes you feel awesome all at the same time.

Well, I guess that's all my ramblings for now...more coherent posts coming soon....hopefully. I told you about those three exams, right?

Women

So on Friday and Saturday I was able to go on the women's retreat with Campus House. 100 women went to Ross Camp for 18 hours of fellowship, music, and cookies. Oh, and buttons too. And I enjoyed myself, but I also realized things about myself.

First of all, it was really intimidating to be a room full of 100 women, especially when I only knew about half of them. Something about being in a room full of chattering smiley females makes me very introverted. I don't find my element among a group like that. I'm not particularly sure why that is. If I were going to be all psychological, I would say it goes back to elementary school when I was always the odd one out and dealt with a lot of cliques. Or perhaps it's because due to the cattiness of girls, I have just conditioned myself to be more comfortable with guys than girls. Whatever the case, it was a challenge to spend even 18 hours with that crowd. Not to say that I didn't enjoy it, it just wasn't always easy.

However, I did enjoy the retreat very much. Not only was it nice to get off campus because that hasn't happened in a while(read since coming back this semester) but because I feel like my spirit was fed a little. See, usually what happens to people is that they go on a retreat and they get this high and then they have to deal with coming down from it when they get back to the real world. But women's retreat wasn't some big spiritual high thing for me. I didn't cry, I didn't have this huge moment of WOW, there was no big event that happened. It was just solid teaching that I could soak up instead of having to prepare, and some honest conversation where I didn't feel weird sharing real parts of me. I got to listen to great stories and meet some new people. (I only met about 8 new girls, it was about all I could handle) I also learned how important it is to know how to pick locks. I knew there was a reason that was on my bucket list....

Anyway.

The best part of the retreat was when I was able to help Ali make breakfast for everyone. We prepared all the food on Friday night to be able to just pop into the oven the next morning. It felt great to be in a kitchen preparing food for people. Getting my hands covered in brown sugar and eggs and milk was wonderful and made me feel at home. Sometimes in the busyness of life, I forget how much I miss things that I used to get to do all the time.

I have more to say about what we actually talked about at women's retreat...but I'll leave you with this for now so the post isn't obnoxiously long. :) Plus, I really need to go to bed.

Valentine's Day

I love Valentine's Day. I just do. I always have and I probably always will. I've always been one to love seeing couples being affectionate and in love, I think that love, of any kind is a beautiful thing. Even when I was younger I have loved Valentine's Day. Even when I have been single(which is for most of them) I have loved Valentine's Day.

I think it's a beautiful thing. I mean, we have a holiday for everything else, why not one where we can remember to express our love for the important people in our life. Cause some people don't show affection or love very well, and Valentine's Day is the perfect opportunity where others can help them out. Plus for those who ARE great at regularly making sure that their loved one knows they are loved(aka Dan) then it's a chance to get good deals on fun coupley things. :)

On to the rant portion.

What bothers me are people who are so terribly against Valentine's Day and decide that they are going to be a curmudgeon and attempt to make other people feel bad for having a special guy/girl in their life.

What bothers me is people who say that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday meant to make single people miserable and coax more money out of desperate guys. I mean, do any of these people know anything about Saint Valentine and what he did? (if you don't go google it or something, it's an awesome story)

What bothers me is that people try and make me feel bad that this year I have an amazing guy in my life who wants to have a fun date night with me on a national holiday.

What bothers me is people who say, "Well, you should be telling your person that you love them and showing them all the time, not just once a year when everyone else does." Well to that I say two things. 1. I'm pretty sure that YOU(meaning the person saying this to me) don't do something nice and thoughtful for your person every day or even often. 2. my guy DOES let me know that he loves me often and does thoughtful things for me all the time. So if he wants to take me out then he is freaking allowed to!

Done with the ranting because in spite of people being dumb, I had a fantastic Valentine's Day with my love. He brought me a bouquet of a dozen Milky Way Midnights dressed up as flowers. :D They were attached to dowel rods and tied with ribbons and wrapped in tissue paper. Super creative and sweet(literally). I also got a giant microbe of mononucleosis, the disease that Dan so lovingly imparted on me last year. Then we went and painted pottery together and went out to dinner after. It was a nice evening to just spend together and enjoy each other's company without the presence of other people or the always looming homework. That's what Valentine's Day is about, being able to spend time with those that you love, whether that be your significant other, or your best friends, or your whole family.

So in summary, to those of you that like to hate on Valentine's Day, stop it.

Rant finished.

Who Am I?

I have had all of this on my heart and mind for about a week now...just now getting a chance to put it down in words.

I had a conversation with Lea(aka support staff/other mum/favorite person/one of the most beautiful persons I know) on Tuesday, like I always do and somehow we got around to talking about our identity and who we are. I realized that I don't know who I am. I know who I am "supposed" to be. I know all the Jesus-y things I am that don't always help very much in understanding your identity. (Like, Christian, Child of God, Sinner saved by grace, etc.) I know who I want myself to be. I don't know who I am though. Right now. I'm very discontent with what I am doing in my life right now, and I'm really struggling with this idea of identity.

For instance, I know who I am "supposed" to be. These are the labels that I have been given by other people, who they want me to be.
- Academic who is smart enough to have all of her college paid for
- Piano player who will continually bless others with her gift
- Dance Teacher who invests herself in the lives of her students and makes beautiful Jesus dances
- Daughter who gets along with her family and lives a life worthy to be a role model for her younger sister
- Strong Christian who encourages others in their faith, leads community groups, and dates a good Christian boy
- Friend who is always there to have a shoulder to cry on and gives really good advice all the time

That is who I feel other people want me to be. And the thing is, none of those things are BAD. It isn't wrong to be any of those things, but I've found that I am hurting myself emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent physically, trying to be these things that I feel the pressure to live up to. Especially since I epically fail at most/all of these things. I don't have the opportunity to continue to be someone that I used to be, I'm not living the same life that I did in high school, but I'm trying to.
Also, none of those titles really have to do with God and who I am in Him. And while I discredit some of the typical titles that Christians like to throw around to sound super spiritual, it is most definitely true that my identity really should come from Christ and His work in my life. Who is it that God wants me to be at this time in my life? What is my purpose RIGHT NOW in life, at Purdue, this semester. How am I going to continue to evolve and change throughout my life and throughout my spiritual journey?
Third, one of my problems is that I still want to be some of that person that is listed above. I'm not ready to give up parts of my life that maybe aren't as important anymore. I want to be the same person that I was previously because I liked that person. Or at least, I like the idealized version of me that I choose to remember. I'm not always open to learning how I can do similar things, in different capacities. Like, what it means to be a great big sister now, cause it has definitely changed since high school when I lived with my siblings and saw them every day. I need to be open and willing to this idea of re-definition and how Allyson is going to evolve as a person.

I've also always felt like I've had something to prove to people in my life, particularly academically. It was a big decision for me to choose to be homeschooled in high school. I have always felt this need to prove to other people and even to myself that it was the right decision for me to make. I know it was, but I still have to deal with the negative comments from other people in my life and the fact that my academics had to change when I went to college. This definitely hasn't always/ever been easy for me.


All this aside, I came up with a metaphor for what I feel like right now. I am sitting in the lobby of my life, just waiting. See, I do know some things about life right now. I know that God wants me at Purdue, I know that he has placed an incredible best friend, boyfriend, and mentor in my life. I know that (for the time being) I am supposed to be in Food Science, continuing on the best I can in the curriculum. So in a sense, I know that I'm in the right building. I have the right address, I got there on time, but when the receptionist asks how she can help me, I don't have an answer because I don't know why I'm there. So I just take a seat and wait to see what happens next. And don't get me wrong, lobbies can be fun places. I love hanging out in the lobby of Campus House all the time. But after a while, you just get bored and antsy and you kind of want to know why you are at this particular building and what you're going to do there or what you're going to learn from being there.

That's where I am. I have been sitting in the lobby for a while, not knowing why I am there. I just am. And I'm getting impatient trying to live life in the lobby with no passion or motivation to get me excited or happy about anything.

My problem is. I KNOW all of this. I KNOW that I need to listen to God attentively to understand what He wants me to do while I sit in the lobby. And I KNOW that if I commune with Him that He will satisfy my needs. And I KNOW that I need to be defined by God and what He wants me to do. And I KNOW that I need to trust Him so that when He does reveal a part of His plan, I am willing to follow it with my whole heart.

My question is: how on earth do I go about connecting this KNOWLEDGE with ACTION?? What do I do to actually get myself to this ideal beautiful place that exists somewhere around the clouds that people talk about all the time?

Until then, you all should come visit me in the lobby. Sometimes, it's not half bad.

It's impossible to live as a Christian...

...apart from total reliance on God's Spirit.

Today's sermon was about BE: Discerning. It's going to be somewhat difficult to clearly explain anything that happened because it was a completely illogically ordered sermon and my notes are really scrambled. To be fair though, Rob did warn us that the thinking behind the sermon wasn't linear at all. I think he did it just to mess with my OCD about note taking. But I digress...

I just wanted to share some thoughts that I got out of the sermon today.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
OR
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good." (The Message)

We talked a lot about objective evil and good and how important it is to have those present in your life. Evil isn't defined by what I hate nor is good defined by what I cling to. God's Word is an objective good. It is what we compare everything else to. It is God's heart, His love story, His thread of redemption running throughout humanity.

We also talked about this idea of clinging. You can't cling, read: hold onto for dear life, to God and to the world at the same time, it's not possible. In 2 Samuel 23, it talks about how Eleazar held onto his sword to defeat the Philistines to the point that his hand was frozen around the sword. "
Next to him was Eleazar son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty warriors, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammim[d] for battle. Then the Israelites retreated, 10 but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The LORD brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead."

How crazy is that? But that is how we must act when it comes to following Jesus. We have to cling to him so tightly that are hand becomes frozen around him. And if we are clinging like that, how would we ever be able to hold onto anything else?

We also talked about how you cannot just CHOOSE to do good over evil. Let's face it, we as human beings are simply able to overcome evil by choosing not to do it. We aren't strong enough, we don't have the willpower. It is impossible for us to live as a Christian just by choosing it. We have to rely, ie. cling, to the Spirit of God to even have a shot at living the way we are supposed to. How foolish we are to think that we can do anything, even good things, on our own or of our own accord.

There were a couple other things I wrote down about being "born again" but I really don't see how it directly relates to what I just said, so I think I'll save it for another post. I can barely take the randomness of this post as it is....

Oscar the Grouch

I've realized that I've been not very happy or pleasant since coming back to school. Like, overall. I get really frustrated and really upset and really overwhelmed really often. I'm not really quite sure why this is. Most people think of me as a happy person, I'd like to think that I am. I don't really know when I became so whiny and obnoxious. Jeez.

I'd like to be able to grasp a better understanding of why I'm like this. Maybe it's a sign of my need to be relying on God for the joy in my life rather than the number of exams or quizzes I have each week. Because I know that this will be a long, crazy semester, but I don't want to be a poophead throughout all of it.

Hmmm....

SNOW DAY

I know that it is currently 2:20am on Wednesday morning, so I guess YESTERDAY Purdue decided to join the rest of the state in granting us a snow day. yay!

My micro quiz was averted until further notice, thought I don't know when that will be. I spent most of the day sleeping, though I didn't really plan on that. I planned on being productive and doing lots of homework and laundry, but when you lie down to take a nap with no alarm clock.....yeah...

Also, this was the first snow day of my whole entire life. Thanks to the awesomeness of being homeschooled, I was never granted a day off simply to go play in the snow. I was just told to get my work done faster. *chuckles*

Thus far classes will not resume tomorrow until 10am, so I don't have my first class of the day and I won't be leaving until 1pm to head out into the snowy/more like icey abyss.

It is very cold outside, hopefully, we all survive.

dun dun dun dunnnnnn!!!!

Snow.......

There is a lot of snow on the ground. There is theoretically 10 more inches coming within the next two days.

I'm thrilled.

Actually, I'm not. At all. I was enjoying wearing my TOMS for those two days there where it wasn't oober snowy out. Oh well.

I've been having all these thoughts running through my mind recently. Big thoughts, exciting thoughts, new thoughts, active thoughts. And I always think, oh I could remember this thought and write about it, and then typical me, I completely forget the deeply profound thoughts that I think.

So here is my thought: Money.

Money is something that I grew up not having a lot of. I still don't have a lot of money, but I'm always just fine without it. I grew into someone who likes to save all her money, and hide it. I really like to know that it's there, because having money makes me feel secure. But as of late, I don't really like having money. I mean, I like having it because I like to be able to go places and do things and get coffee with my friends and go to Tennessee for Spring Break and such, but I'd much rather give it away. I usually have this struggle in my mind of how awesome it would be to just give away all my money and live off the faith that God would provide for what I needed, and how completely scary and irresponsible that is. Cause, in a way, God HAS been providing for me in faith. That's how I was able to come to school this year, and I really don't know how next year is going to be paid for, that's still all up in the air. But I feel like God calls everyone to do something radical in their life. As of late I've felt like money doesn't really have a place in my life. I've always wanted to make a lot of money and then live on very little of it, give the rest away. That desire within me is super strong right now. The biggest things that hold me back are: providing adequately for a family, wanting a state of the art kitchen, and loving clothes. But I think I can get over the clothes thing, I really do.

I guess I just want to put myself in a situation where I HAVE to depend on God for things. I feel like if I were to live with plenty of money, then I wouldn't feel like I needed to rely on HIM for much of anything.

Anyway....those are my thoughts for now...

Lessons from my Mum

Define: Intentional

Intended or planned; done deliberately or voluntarily; done with intent.

-I thought definitions weren't supposed to have the word or root word in them, that's what mum always said...

Define: Intent

Purpose: an anticipated outcome that is intended or that guides your planned actions.

-Again with the cyclical definitions, I always got in trouble for this in English...

Define: Purpose

Intentional

-REALLY? That's dumb....try again

Define: Purpose

A result, end, aim, or goal of an action intentionally undertaken

-I swear, these people clearly did not take English class from my mum, she would have failed them.

Hopefully though, it kind of makes sense. Here's where I am going with this: I am a spontaneous person. For fear of finding a definition of spontaneous such as, "not intentional" I'll just leave that one out. As a dancer, a modern dancer, an improv dancer, I do a lot of things spontaneously. Life is more fun when things aren't super planned, when you can let things flow the way they want to, when you let your body move the way it feels like it. Sometimes creative things come out of "the moment" that are so much cooler than anything you could have spent hours coming up with.

Intention is like THE word that I hear all the time. Particularly when I am in the vicinity of Campus House, which to be honest, is quite frequently. Campus House's like number one goal, I'm pretty sure, behind loving Jesus and all that stuff, is to be intentional. About EVERYTHING. Now, I'm not complaining, I think it is absolutely awesome and absolutely incredible. It's just, I'm a very spontaneous, not planned person.

I have realized however, that I have started to become like that in my prayer life. Praying, for whatever reason, has always been a not very easy thing for me to be consistent on. It might be because when I was growing up we always prayed before dinner and before bed and every time we stood up in church it seemed like. And the prayers were always the same sounding and not very meaningful. So I started to find prayer really boring. It just wasn't exciting or appealing. By now I have a better understanding of what prayer is and I get that it's just a conversation with God. I can have really awesome prayers or be really great about praying over people or letting the Holy Spirit speak through me, but that's not on like a day to day basis.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and wondering.

Dan is the love of my life. I talk to him EVERY day. I tell him the dumbest most insignificant things, and when my day sucks and I just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, I call him and let him know. It's not hard at all to say something to Dan at any point in any day.

Why can't I be like that with God? I can give all the right answers here.

Like, I should be so in love with God that it's all I want to do and I can't help but tell Him everything that is going on with me.

Or.

If you can make time for your best friend every day, why can't you make time for your Savior and Creator who is sitting there WANTING to have an awesome relationship with you.

I know all these things. And I like praying, I really do. I like praying for people, and I like praying with people, and I don't mind praying out loud.

So why is this so hard for me to do consistently? How can I get myself to the point where praying to God is just like texting Dan(the love of my life) or Josh(my best friend forever)?

So far my answer to myself has been, "Be Intentional." Somehow make it a habit so you remember every day until it becomes something natural and not forced. Like, a fake it til you make it type deal.

I don't know. If you have any thoughts, please share them with me...

South Bend

I've been wanting to write for several days now, but that's what happens when you're in college and your professors think it's a good idea to give you homework.

So, my dad accepted the job in South Bend with the Girl Scouts. He starts February 7th and will be moving up there and staying with my aunt starting the 6th. Hopefully things go well with selling the house in Anderson and then buying one up in South Bend so that he doesn't have to stay at my aunt's for long or be apart from the rest of the family for long.

I also hope that this change equals more Girl Scout cookies in the house/in my dorm room/in my apartment. Everyone knows that Girl Scout cookies make friends. :D

Decisions

Today I got a text from my mum saying that my dad had been offered a job today. This should be fantastic news, and it is, since he was laid off last May and has been searching for something since then. He didn't think that he had much of a shot at this job, but interviewed for it anyway, I mean, that's what you do. Well, he was offered it and now has 3 days to decide.

So why is this such a big thing and why am I not just jumping for joy right now?

Taking this job also means a move from Anderson to South Bend.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, it's not really my decision to make, and I don't really live at home anymore so perhaps I shouldn't really care, but I do. This would be the first move I make without my family. Caleb has already done this, but I haven't. This is also move number 8 I think for my family since I was born. When I was younger, I loved moving, absolutely loved it. I have grown less fond of it as I have grown older though.
Like I said, this move wouldn't really affect me a whole lot, I don't live at home very much and it's still in Indiana, so nothing changes for me at school, it would just be a shock. To go home to a place that I don't know. To not be 5 minutes away from my best friend(when we're not at school, obviously). To not be able to have Saturday breakfasts at Eva's and be able to catch Kim up on my life. To not be able to go back to AU and see old friends all in one place.

The last time we moved, when I was a sophomore in high school, it was hard and it was sad, but I knew it was coming. In fact it was 18 months coming. So I had that time to mentally process, emotionally sort through everything that might come at me. I was ready for the move when it finally came, even though it was still hard. This seems all so sudden and like such a whirlwind! I mean, how can someone make a choice to uproot a family and move across the state(into Notre Dame country no less) in a matter of days? I need time to make pros and cons lists and see what all the options are in each particular place. I feel bad because I don't want my mum to have to leave her support group of friends and my baby sister her new dance school that she absolutely loves. I don't want to give up the only house that has ever felt like my home. I don't want to leave the town where I experienced so many monumental things in my recent life.

Clearly this is mostly emotional and sentimental. It makes sense to move. My dad needs a job, my family needs health insurance, I'd love a car....
Dealing with all these thoughts and ideas in my mind right now just isn't working out so hot tough. I would be sad if we moved and I had to leave the horribly depressed town of Anderson that has come to be my home. I would however, be sad if my dad turned down the job that he has been looking for, for so many months.

When it comes down to it, I'm glad that I don't have to make this decision. It's not really my life to deal with anymore, just the lives of those I love the most. I'm glad that this burden doesn't fall on me. It does however fall on my parents and I ask that you would please pray for them these next few days. Pray a lot. Pray for wisdom and insight, for peace and security. Pray that whatever decision they make that they know and are confident it is the right one. Pray that God places His hands on their shoulders and leads them the direction they should go, and that they can make this decision together, as a husband and wife, and as a family.

Sometimes, it's scary and intimidating when God answers our prayers.

I should be doing homework probably...

...but it's still the first week of classes and I was oober productive today, so I'm going to cut myself a break. I'll just do a bunch of homework tomorrow before Dan's scholarship banquet.

Today I had some breakthroughs.

First of all, I had a two hour coffee date with my big sister Jaclyn. For those of you who don't know, Jaclyn isn't my "real" big sister, but she's even better! If I ever get tired of her, I can send her back! hehehehe, not that I would ever get tired of her, I'm just saying. :P Anyway. We had great conversation catching up on life and some of the things she said really helped to clarify thoughts in my mind. I love it when she does that! I don't tell her very often though....she'd get a big head. ;) We were discussing relationships and how important it is that the other person really push you to be the best person that you can be. Because if being with someone doesn't make you better, then why are you with them at all? I guess it made me realize why I value my relationship with Dan so much. I can honestly say that he pushes me to be better because he doesn't accept the Allyson that cops out or tries to push people out of her life when she's being dumb. Dan makes me think and pushes me out of my comfort zone. Reason number 17 why I love him.

Second, as you already know, I've been FREAKING out about my math class and how much my TA sucked and I was worried about how the semester was going to go. So, I admit that I checked mypurdue religiously all day Monday and Tuesday to no avail. However, I kind of forgot about it today until about 2:45 when I was in the computer lab in Matthews and I decided to randomly check to see if there were any open spots in the other sections. There was one spot in the 2nd 4:30pm section, but it was also an Asian TA and I wasn't sure if I should switch or not. I figured he couldn't be any worse than the one I had so I went for it and went to the new section for class today. Here's the thing: I hesitated to switch at first because it wasn't how I was planning on fixing the situation. I wanted to be in the section with a clearly American teacher, but that section never opened up. God did however give me a different alternative. I hesitated and then decided that I should just do it. The class went really well. He's still definitely Asian, but I can understand him much better and he explains things really thoroughly. I think I will be able to learn things from him, hopefully. Point I'm trying to make: my plan was not what God wanted to do, He had his own ideas and you know what, they are probably much better than mine. Clearly, I have something to learn from this other TA, so that's where He put me.

Third, I think I finally understand the relationship between the cost function and marginal cost and how you manipulate it in a freaking word problem. yay!!!!! Thank you GOD!

It's getting late, so I'm gonna hit the hay.

Thought I'm sleeping on, God's plan is always better than mine...

Overwhelmed

Classes started today and I had the privilege of going to my 4 hardest classes all in one day, yaaaay. That was super encouraging and I feel great now! NOT.

Organic chemistry was fine.

Microbiology was overwhelming, but fine.

Stats, I had no idea what was going on, or what I was supposed to be doing, but fine.

Calculus, I just want to shoot myself because I can only understand about 25% of what my TA says and I'm so tired of having to take math classes that I just want to go crawl in a hole. ahhhhhhhh!!!! I am anxiously trying to switch out of my section, but no other section is open! grrrrrrr. So, we'll see how this all works out. I know, I know, I was JUST saying how I wasn't ready at all for any of this semester to happen, it was all going to have to be up to God. Day one I get hit with more than my mind can handle and I'm already freaking out instead of taking deep breaths and letting God work things out in His masterful plan.

However, this begs the question, AGAIN, of how much is my responsibility? To what extent do I take a chill pill and to what extent do I work my butt off to do everything possible? Is it my job to check mypurdue an absurd number of times each day hoping for a section to open up? Or do I just wait until God shows me the opportunity?

An answer on this would be most helpful...like, soon.

ps. Sarah says hi :D

I GET TO BE A BRIDESMAID!!!

Sooo, my roommate Ginny got engaged over Christmas break and I get to be a bridesmaid in her wedding!!!

YESSS!!!!

I'm super excited!

I am also a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding this summer, but, this just happened so I'm all smiley about it. :D

PS. Those are not really the dresses we're wearing, I just picked a picture of red bridesmaid dresses because I know they will be red. This will also fulfill one item on my bucket list. yay!

Going Back, New Start

Well, I'm back at school now, yaaaay. I'm not particularly excited about it, but I guess it's okay that it is happening. I mean, eventually I would get bored doing things around home, it just never really set in this break. I really enjoyed my time home with my family, but seeing as how you can't stop time, here I am, back at Purdue to start a new semester of classes.

I have several things to look forward to, the chance to try and get a 4.0 gpa(ha!), I have a new lab job in the FS department that I'm really excited about, Community Groups will be starting this week and I have a fresh start with that, I should be really excited. I am excited, but I'm also really nervous. I can't help but feel the pressure to do better this semester than I did last. I cut back my credit hours, but I know that I need to deliver when it comes to grades. I really needed the mental break of vacation but I'm not sure I'm ready to jump back in again. I feel like the little kid dragging his feet whining, "I don't WANNA go!"

I wonder if God gets tired of hearing that from me. "I don't wanna." I've realized over the past few years that I whine a lot. I like to complain and I hate it when things don't work out. Okay, back up, things always work out, just not how I wanted to. It always ends up being a foot in mouth situation in the end though where I go, "Well you were dumb Allyson, way to go." So perhaps I should try and avoid that this time and attempt the attitude of, "Well if I don't feel ready yet God, then it's all you this time." Isn't that how it should be anyway? Yeah...I thought so.

I guess what this all boils down to is this: I'm scared.

Really scared.

My biggest fear in life has always been of failure. I thought after epically failing last semester, I would have a better grasp on it and maybe be able to realize that God works beauty through failure. But no, here I am at the beginning of a new semester, scared that I am going to fail and fall flat on my face, again. I'm scared that I'll lose my scholarship again but this time not be able to get it back. I'm scared that I won't pass the classes that are VERY necessary to pass thus indicating that I'm probably not cut out for my major. I'm scared that I'm going to not be able to come up with an awesome piece for the student dance concert...the list just goes on and on.

Clearly, the answer is that I need to be relying on God more. Truly put my faith to the test and see how He comes through for me. I'm in such a situation that I feel like anything I do at this point is somewhat inconsequential and it's all up to Him. I have my orders, the rest is up to Him.

It should be one heck of a ride....

I'm not a very good writer...

I've always wanted to have a blog. I enjoy reading other peoples and I like writing out my thoughts a lot. It helps me process through them, and pounding away at the keys of Lucy(my laptop) is very cathartic. I will however, be the first to admit that I'm not a stellar writer. So if you choose to read this, you have been forewarned.

I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be. I actually set this up several months ago, but I didn't want to start anything until I really thought I was ready. I wrote several things down in the hopes that someday they would end up on a blog, this blog. I guess time will tell if they ever truly make it onto the web.

It's 2011 and all my friends who have blogs have written things about 2010 in review or their goals and hopes for 2011. It's a very "in" thing to do. I don't make New Years Resolutions though. Well, okay, I don't make them often. This blog is not a New Years Resolution, it's just Christmas Break and I had some time to think about it. I also had time to try and redesign it for the 4th time. I imagine that this will contain many rants and thoughts and updates on my life as I try and understand what on earth I'm doing in my life right now.

I think all the rest I'll put in this first post is why this blog is called "Doors."

Doors is actually the title of the last dance piece I choreographed and it was about my life. This blog is about my life, so I guess it works. I feel like in life, at the very least my life right now, is full of doors, aka opportunities. God has given me several opportunities to partake in, doors in in a sense to walk through. I've enjoyed many of these experiences. Great things have been done in my life because of God's grace and provision. On the flip side, there have been A LOT of doors that I feel like I haven't really been able to walk through because they opened, and before I could set foot on the threshold, the door was slammed in my face.

So in summary, life is full of doors. Some of them are open, some of them are closed, all of them contain adventures, and only some will ever be walked through. Some I get to close, some God closes before I have a chance, almost all of them are confusing in some way or another.

Walk with me through this door in life and let's see where it takes us. Sound good?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1