Who Am I?

I have had all of this on my heart and mind for about a week now...just now getting a chance to put it down in words.

I had a conversation with Lea(aka support staff/other mum/favorite person/one of the most beautiful persons I know) on Tuesday, like I always do and somehow we got around to talking about our identity and who we are. I realized that I don't know who I am. I know who I am "supposed" to be. I know all the Jesus-y things I am that don't always help very much in understanding your identity. (Like, Christian, Child of God, Sinner saved by grace, etc.) I know who I want myself to be. I don't know who I am though. Right now. I'm very discontent with what I am doing in my life right now, and I'm really struggling with this idea of identity.

For instance, I know who I am "supposed" to be. These are the labels that I have been given by other people, who they want me to be.
- Academic who is smart enough to have all of her college paid for
- Piano player who will continually bless others with her gift
- Dance Teacher who invests herself in the lives of her students and makes beautiful Jesus dances
- Daughter who gets along with her family and lives a life worthy to be a role model for her younger sister
- Strong Christian who encourages others in their faith, leads community groups, and dates a good Christian boy
- Friend who is always there to have a shoulder to cry on and gives really good advice all the time

That is who I feel other people want me to be. And the thing is, none of those things are BAD. It isn't wrong to be any of those things, but I've found that I am hurting myself emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent physically, trying to be these things that I feel the pressure to live up to. Especially since I epically fail at most/all of these things. I don't have the opportunity to continue to be someone that I used to be, I'm not living the same life that I did in high school, but I'm trying to.
Also, none of those titles really have to do with God and who I am in Him. And while I discredit some of the typical titles that Christians like to throw around to sound super spiritual, it is most definitely true that my identity really should come from Christ and His work in my life. Who is it that God wants me to be at this time in my life? What is my purpose RIGHT NOW in life, at Purdue, this semester. How am I going to continue to evolve and change throughout my life and throughout my spiritual journey?
Third, one of my problems is that I still want to be some of that person that is listed above. I'm not ready to give up parts of my life that maybe aren't as important anymore. I want to be the same person that I was previously because I liked that person. Or at least, I like the idealized version of me that I choose to remember. I'm not always open to learning how I can do similar things, in different capacities. Like, what it means to be a great big sister now, cause it has definitely changed since high school when I lived with my siblings and saw them every day. I need to be open and willing to this idea of re-definition and how Allyson is going to evolve as a person.

I've also always felt like I've had something to prove to people in my life, particularly academically. It was a big decision for me to choose to be homeschooled in high school. I have always felt this need to prove to other people and even to myself that it was the right decision for me to make. I know it was, but I still have to deal with the negative comments from other people in my life and the fact that my academics had to change when I went to college. This definitely hasn't always/ever been easy for me.


All this aside, I came up with a metaphor for what I feel like right now. I am sitting in the lobby of my life, just waiting. See, I do know some things about life right now. I know that God wants me at Purdue, I know that he has placed an incredible best friend, boyfriend, and mentor in my life. I know that (for the time being) I am supposed to be in Food Science, continuing on the best I can in the curriculum. So in a sense, I know that I'm in the right building. I have the right address, I got there on time, but when the receptionist asks how she can help me, I don't have an answer because I don't know why I'm there. So I just take a seat and wait to see what happens next. And don't get me wrong, lobbies can be fun places. I love hanging out in the lobby of Campus House all the time. But after a while, you just get bored and antsy and you kind of want to know why you are at this particular building and what you're going to do there or what you're going to learn from being there.

That's where I am. I have been sitting in the lobby for a while, not knowing why I am there. I just am. And I'm getting impatient trying to live life in the lobby with no passion or motivation to get me excited or happy about anything.

My problem is. I KNOW all of this. I KNOW that I need to listen to God attentively to understand what He wants me to do while I sit in the lobby. And I KNOW that if I commune with Him that He will satisfy my needs. And I KNOW that I need to be defined by God and what He wants me to do. And I KNOW that I need to trust Him so that when He does reveal a part of His plan, I am willing to follow it with my whole heart.

My question is: how on earth do I go about connecting this KNOWLEDGE with ACTION?? What do I do to actually get myself to this ideal beautiful place that exists somewhere around the clouds that people talk about all the time?

Until then, you all should come visit me in the lobby. Sometimes, it's not half bad.