Throughout all the things that came up in our conversation, I started talking about my spiritual journey and I realized that it has been clearly defined by periods of learning.
I was a pastor's kid(PK) for the better part of my growing up years and that had a huge influence on not only my life in general, but my spiritual life as well. I spent most of my time trying to be the perfect pastor's daughter: doing everything right, being super involved, always volunteering, never messing up, doing everything a good Christian is supposed to do. I had a lot of genuine faith and I did believe what I said I believed, but there was so much that I didn't have a very good understanding of. I was deeply hurt by other Christians and by the church in my life. I wasn't accepted by them, I wasn't encouraged by them, and as I look back on it I can recognize that a lot of it was due to a lack of authenticity and a lack of grace. Christians in my life were not real and honest with each other, people didn't actually share of themselves with others. All my friendships were fake and shallow. No one really knew me as I struggled to even know myself.
When we left that situation and moved to Anderson, my heart was in a very bitter and a very angry place. I wanted nothing to do with the God that I had grown up with.
Another aspect of my conversation with my mum was the reason that God brought our family to Anderson. What was the purpose of bringing us to that specific community to only uproot 4 years later? Why the move at all? For my dad it was the opportunities it provided him to take care of his mom in her last days. His job and our location allowed her to be moved from Texas to a special Alzheimers home in Anderson and Dad was able to take care of her before she died.
But for me, being in Anderson was a time of healing. It was 2.5 years I had to allow God to work in my heart and life and prepare me for college and for the community at Purdue. If I had gone straight from Van Wert to Purdue, I probably would have strayed very far away from God and from my faith. At the very least, it would have continued to be fake and not life-penetrating. The people that God brought into my life for a time, the experiences that I had and the teaching I sat under while in Anderson brought me to a place of healing, to a place of acceptance, and a place of truer faith and trust in the religion I call my own; in the God I call my Savior.
It's still been a long process of healing and growth as I have been at Purdue, and it will continue to be so, but I am really grateful and appreciative of the time that God put in my life to prepare me for what was next. A lot of time in Anderson was spent in frustration because I didn't feel like I had enough time to do anything, to make good friends, to be someone there. But that wasn't the purpose. Understanding the process that God took me through allows me to be more patient with the struggles I am going through now. Just as I had things to learn in Anderson, and in Van Wert, I have things to learn here at Purdue that I know I will need farther down the road. My faith(and by that I mean the real, practical trust that I have to put in God each day) is being tested and tried a lot. It's a huge struggle for me to be able to relinquish control of how my life goes to the Master Planner. My heart is ready to learn though, and for that, I am truly grateful.
--Plus, God brought my best friend to school with me, so the time that I had in high school again just prepared us for a beautiful friendship to blossom here. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment