Going Back, New Start

Well, I'm back at school now, yaaaay. I'm not particularly excited about it, but I guess it's okay that it is happening. I mean, eventually I would get bored doing things around home, it just never really set in this break. I really enjoyed my time home with my family, but seeing as how you can't stop time, here I am, back at Purdue to start a new semester of classes.

I have several things to look forward to, the chance to try and get a 4.0 gpa(ha!), I have a new lab job in the FS department that I'm really excited about, Community Groups will be starting this week and I have a fresh start with that, I should be really excited. I am excited, but I'm also really nervous. I can't help but feel the pressure to do better this semester than I did last. I cut back my credit hours, but I know that I need to deliver when it comes to grades. I really needed the mental break of vacation but I'm not sure I'm ready to jump back in again. I feel like the little kid dragging his feet whining, "I don't WANNA go!"

I wonder if God gets tired of hearing that from me. "I don't wanna." I've realized over the past few years that I whine a lot. I like to complain and I hate it when things don't work out. Okay, back up, things always work out, just not how I wanted to. It always ends up being a foot in mouth situation in the end though where I go, "Well you were dumb Allyson, way to go." So perhaps I should try and avoid that this time and attempt the attitude of, "Well if I don't feel ready yet God, then it's all you this time." Isn't that how it should be anyway? Yeah...I thought so.

I guess what this all boils down to is this: I'm scared.

Really scared.

My biggest fear in life has always been of failure. I thought after epically failing last semester, I would have a better grasp on it and maybe be able to realize that God works beauty through failure. But no, here I am at the beginning of a new semester, scared that I am going to fail and fall flat on my face, again. I'm scared that I'll lose my scholarship again but this time not be able to get it back. I'm scared that I won't pass the classes that are VERY necessary to pass thus indicating that I'm probably not cut out for my major. I'm scared that I'm going to not be able to come up with an awesome piece for the student dance concert...the list just goes on and on.

Clearly, the answer is that I need to be relying on God more. Truly put my faith to the test and see how He comes through for me. I'm in such a situation that I feel like anything I do at this point is somewhat inconsequential and it's all up to Him. I have my orders, the rest is up to Him.

It should be one heck of a ride....