Snow.......

There is a lot of snow on the ground. There is theoretically 10 more inches coming within the next two days.

I'm thrilled.

Actually, I'm not. At all. I was enjoying wearing my TOMS for those two days there where it wasn't oober snowy out. Oh well.

I've been having all these thoughts running through my mind recently. Big thoughts, exciting thoughts, new thoughts, active thoughts. And I always think, oh I could remember this thought and write about it, and then typical me, I completely forget the deeply profound thoughts that I think.

So here is my thought: Money.

Money is something that I grew up not having a lot of. I still don't have a lot of money, but I'm always just fine without it. I grew into someone who likes to save all her money, and hide it. I really like to know that it's there, because having money makes me feel secure. But as of late, I don't really like having money. I mean, I like having it because I like to be able to go places and do things and get coffee with my friends and go to Tennessee for Spring Break and such, but I'd much rather give it away. I usually have this struggle in my mind of how awesome it would be to just give away all my money and live off the faith that God would provide for what I needed, and how completely scary and irresponsible that is. Cause, in a way, God HAS been providing for me in faith. That's how I was able to come to school this year, and I really don't know how next year is going to be paid for, that's still all up in the air. But I feel like God calls everyone to do something radical in their life. As of late I've felt like money doesn't really have a place in my life. I've always wanted to make a lot of money and then live on very little of it, give the rest away. That desire within me is super strong right now. The biggest things that hold me back are: providing adequately for a family, wanting a state of the art kitchen, and loving clothes. But I think I can get over the clothes thing, I really do.

I guess I just want to put myself in a situation where I HAVE to depend on God for things. I feel like if I were to live with plenty of money, then I wouldn't feel like I needed to rely on HIM for much of anything.

Anyway....those are my thoughts for now...

Lessons from my Mum

Define: Intentional

Intended or planned; done deliberately or voluntarily; done with intent.

-I thought definitions weren't supposed to have the word or root word in them, that's what mum always said...

Define: Intent

Purpose: an anticipated outcome that is intended or that guides your planned actions.

-Again with the cyclical definitions, I always got in trouble for this in English...

Define: Purpose

Intentional

-REALLY? That's dumb....try again

Define: Purpose

A result, end, aim, or goal of an action intentionally undertaken

-I swear, these people clearly did not take English class from my mum, she would have failed them.

Hopefully though, it kind of makes sense. Here's where I am going with this: I am a spontaneous person. For fear of finding a definition of spontaneous such as, "not intentional" I'll just leave that one out. As a dancer, a modern dancer, an improv dancer, I do a lot of things spontaneously. Life is more fun when things aren't super planned, when you can let things flow the way they want to, when you let your body move the way it feels like it. Sometimes creative things come out of "the moment" that are so much cooler than anything you could have spent hours coming up with.

Intention is like THE word that I hear all the time. Particularly when I am in the vicinity of Campus House, which to be honest, is quite frequently. Campus House's like number one goal, I'm pretty sure, behind loving Jesus and all that stuff, is to be intentional. About EVERYTHING. Now, I'm not complaining, I think it is absolutely awesome and absolutely incredible. It's just, I'm a very spontaneous, not planned person.

I have realized however, that I have started to become like that in my prayer life. Praying, for whatever reason, has always been a not very easy thing for me to be consistent on. It might be because when I was growing up we always prayed before dinner and before bed and every time we stood up in church it seemed like. And the prayers were always the same sounding and not very meaningful. So I started to find prayer really boring. It just wasn't exciting or appealing. By now I have a better understanding of what prayer is and I get that it's just a conversation with God. I can have really awesome prayers or be really great about praying over people or letting the Holy Spirit speak through me, but that's not on like a day to day basis.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and wondering.

Dan is the love of my life. I talk to him EVERY day. I tell him the dumbest most insignificant things, and when my day sucks and I just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, I call him and let him know. It's not hard at all to say something to Dan at any point in any day.

Why can't I be like that with God? I can give all the right answers here.

Like, I should be so in love with God that it's all I want to do and I can't help but tell Him everything that is going on with me.

Or.

If you can make time for your best friend every day, why can't you make time for your Savior and Creator who is sitting there WANTING to have an awesome relationship with you.

I know all these things. And I like praying, I really do. I like praying for people, and I like praying with people, and I don't mind praying out loud.

So why is this so hard for me to do consistently? How can I get myself to the point where praying to God is just like texting Dan(the love of my life) or Josh(my best friend forever)?

So far my answer to myself has been, "Be Intentional." Somehow make it a habit so you remember every day until it becomes something natural and not forced. Like, a fake it til you make it type deal.

I don't know. If you have any thoughts, please share them with me...

South Bend

I've been wanting to write for several days now, but that's what happens when you're in college and your professors think it's a good idea to give you homework.

So, my dad accepted the job in South Bend with the Girl Scouts. He starts February 7th and will be moving up there and staying with my aunt starting the 6th. Hopefully things go well with selling the house in Anderson and then buying one up in South Bend so that he doesn't have to stay at my aunt's for long or be apart from the rest of the family for long.

I also hope that this change equals more Girl Scout cookies in the house/in my dorm room/in my apartment. Everyone knows that Girl Scout cookies make friends. :D

Decisions

Today I got a text from my mum saying that my dad had been offered a job today. This should be fantastic news, and it is, since he was laid off last May and has been searching for something since then. He didn't think that he had much of a shot at this job, but interviewed for it anyway, I mean, that's what you do. Well, he was offered it and now has 3 days to decide.

So why is this such a big thing and why am I not just jumping for joy right now?

Taking this job also means a move from Anderson to South Bend.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, it's not really my decision to make, and I don't really live at home anymore so perhaps I shouldn't really care, but I do. This would be the first move I make without my family. Caleb has already done this, but I haven't. This is also move number 8 I think for my family since I was born. When I was younger, I loved moving, absolutely loved it. I have grown less fond of it as I have grown older though.
Like I said, this move wouldn't really affect me a whole lot, I don't live at home very much and it's still in Indiana, so nothing changes for me at school, it would just be a shock. To go home to a place that I don't know. To not be 5 minutes away from my best friend(when we're not at school, obviously). To not be able to have Saturday breakfasts at Eva's and be able to catch Kim up on my life. To not be able to go back to AU and see old friends all in one place.

The last time we moved, when I was a sophomore in high school, it was hard and it was sad, but I knew it was coming. In fact it was 18 months coming. So I had that time to mentally process, emotionally sort through everything that might come at me. I was ready for the move when it finally came, even though it was still hard. This seems all so sudden and like such a whirlwind! I mean, how can someone make a choice to uproot a family and move across the state(into Notre Dame country no less) in a matter of days? I need time to make pros and cons lists and see what all the options are in each particular place. I feel bad because I don't want my mum to have to leave her support group of friends and my baby sister her new dance school that she absolutely loves. I don't want to give up the only house that has ever felt like my home. I don't want to leave the town where I experienced so many monumental things in my recent life.

Clearly this is mostly emotional and sentimental. It makes sense to move. My dad needs a job, my family needs health insurance, I'd love a car....
Dealing with all these thoughts and ideas in my mind right now just isn't working out so hot tough. I would be sad if we moved and I had to leave the horribly depressed town of Anderson that has come to be my home. I would however, be sad if my dad turned down the job that he has been looking for, for so many months.

When it comes down to it, I'm glad that I don't have to make this decision. It's not really my life to deal with anymore, just the lives of those I love the most. I'm glad that this burden doesn't fall on me. It does however fall on my parents and I ask that you would please pray for them these next few days. Pray a lot. Pray for wisdom and insight, for peace and security. Pray that whatever decision they make that they know and are confident it is the right one. Pray that God places His hands on their shoulders and leads them the direction they should go, and that they can make this decision together, as a husband and wife, and as a family.

Sometimes, it's scary and intimidating when God answers our prayers.

I should be doing homework probably...

...but it's still the first week of classes and I was oober productive today, so I'm going to cut myself a break. I'll just do a bunch of homework tomorrow before Dan's scholarship banquet.

Today I had some breakthroughs.

First of all, I had a two hour coffee date with my big sister Jaclyn. For those of you who don't know, Jaclyn isn't my "real" big sister, but she's even better! If I ever get tired of her, I can send her back! hehehehe, not that I would ever get tired of her, I'm just saying. :P Anyway. We had great conversation catching up on life and some of the things she said really helped to clarify thoughts in my mind. I love it when she does that! I don't tell her very often though....she'd get a big head. ;) We were discussing relationships and how important it is that the other person really push you to be the best person that you can be. Because if being with someone doesn't make you better, then why are you with them at all? I guess it made me realize why I value my relationship with Dan so much. I can honestly say that he pushes me to be better because he doesn't accept the Allyson that cops out or tries to push people out of her life when she's being dumb. Dan makes me think and pushes me out of my comfort zone. Reason number 17 why I love him.

Second, as you already know, I've been FREAKING out about my math class and how much my TA sucked and I was worried about how the semester was going to go. So, I admit that I checked mypurdue religiously all day Monday and Tuesday to no avail. However, I kind of forgot about it today until about 2:45 when I was in the computer lab in Matthews and I decided to randomly check to see if there were any open spots in the other sections. There was one spot in the 2nd 4:30pm section, but it was also an Asian TA and I wasn't sure if I should switch or not. I figured he couldn't be any worse than the one I had so I went for it and went to the new section for class today. Here's the thing: I hesitated to switch at first because it wasn't how I was planning on fixing the situation. I wanted to be in the section with a clearly American teacher, but that section never opened up. God did however give me a different alternative. I hesitated and then decided that I should just do it. The class went really well. He's still definitely Asian, but I can understand him much better and he explains things really thoroughly. I think I will be able to learn things from him, hopefully. Point I'm trying to make: my plan was not what God wanted to do, He had his own ideas and you know what, they are probably much better than mine. Clearly, I have something to learn from this other TA, so that's where He put me.

Third, I think I finally understand the relationship between the cost function and marginal cost and how you manipulate it in a freaking word problem. yay!!!!! Thank you GOD!

It's getting late, so I'm gonna hit the hay.

Thought I'm sleeping on, God's plan is always better than mine...

Overwhelmed

Classes started today and I had the privilege of going to my 4 hardest classes all in one day, yaaaay. That was super encouraging and I feel great now! NOT.

Organic chemistry was fine.

Microbiology was overwhelming, but fine.

Stats, I had no idea what was going on, or what I was supposed to be doing, but fine.

Calculus, I just want to shoot myself because I can only understand about 25% of what my TA says and I'm so tired of having to take math classes that I just want to go crawl in a hole. ahhhhhhhh!!!! I am anxiously trying to switch out of my section, but no other section is open! grrrrrrr. So, we'll see how this all works out. I know, I know, I was JUST saying how I wasn't ready at all for any of this semester to happen, it was all going to have to be up to God. Day one I get hit with more than my mind can handle and I'm already freaking out instead of taking deep breaths and letting God work things out in His masterful plan.

However, this begs the question, AGAIN, of how much is my responsibility? To what extent do I take a chill pill and to what extent do I work my butt off to do everything possible? Is it my job to check mypurdue an absurd number of times each day hoping for a section to open up? Or do I just wait until God shows me the opportunity?

An answer on this would be most helpful...like, soon.

ps. Sarah says hi :D

I GET TO BE A BRIDESMAID!!!

Sooo, my roommate Ginny got engaged over Christmas break and I get to be a bridesmaid in her wedding!!!

YESSS!!!!

I'm super excited!

I am also a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding this summer, but, this just happened so I'm all smiley about it. :D

PS. Those are not really the dresses we're wearing, I just picked a picture of red bridesmaid dresses because I know they will be red. This will also fulfill one item on my bucket list. yay!

Going Back, New Start

Well, I'm back at school now, yaaaay. I'm not particularly excited about it, but I guess it's okay that it is happening. I mean, eventually I would get bored doing things around home, it just never really set in this break. I really enjoyed my time home with my family, but seeing as how you can't stop time, here I am, back at Purdue to start a new semester of classes.

I have several things to look forward to, the chance to try and get a 4.0 gpa(ha!), I have a new lab job in the FS department that I'm really excited about, Community Groups will be starting this week and I have a fresh start with that, I should be really excited. I am excited, but I'm also really nervous. I can't help but feel the pressure to do better this semester than I did last. I cut back my credit hours, but I know that I need to deliver when it comes to grades. I really needed the mental break of vacation but I'm not sure I'm ready to jump back in again. I feel like the little kid dragging his feet whining, "I don't WANNA go!"

I wonder if God gets tired of hearing that from me. "I don't wanna." I've realized over the past few years that I whine a lot. I like to complain and I hate it when things don't work out. Okay, back up, things always work out, just not how I wanted to. It always ends up being a foot in mouth situation in the end though where I go, "Well you were dumb Allyson, way to go." So perhaps I should try and avoid that this time and attempt the attitude of, "Well if I don't feel ready yet God, then it's all you this time." Isn't that how it should be anyway? Yeah...I thought so.

I guess what this all boils down to is this: I'm scared.

Really scared.

My biggest fear in life has always been of failure. I thought after epically failing last semester, I would have a better grasp on it and maybe be able to realize that God works beauty through failure. But no, here I am at the beginning of a new semester, scared that I am going to fail and fall flat on my face, again. I'm scared that I'll lose my scholarship again but this time not be able to get it back. I'm scared that I won't pass the classes that are VERY necessary to pass thus indicating that I'm probably not cut out for my major. I'm scared that I'm going to not be able to come up with an awesome piece for the student dance concert...the list just goes on and on.

Clearly, the answer is that I need to be relying on God more. Truly put my faith to the test and see how He comes through for me. I'm in such a situation that I feel like anything I do at this point is somewhat inconsequential and it's all up to Him. I have my orders, the rest is up to Him.

It should be one heck of a ride....

I'm not a very good writer...

I've always wanted to have a blog. I enjoy reading other peoples and I like writing out my thoughts a lot. It helps me process through them, and pounding away at the keys of Lucy(my laptop) is very cathartic. I will however, be the first to admit that I'm not a stellar writer. So if you choose to read this, you have been forewarned.

I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be. I actually set this up several months ago, but I didn't want to start anything until I really thought I was ready. I wrote several things down in the hopes that someday they would end up on a blog, this blog. I guess time will tell if they ever truly make it onto the web.

It's 2011 and all my friends who have blogs have written things about 2010 in review or their goals and hopes for 2011. It's a very "in" thing to do. I don't make New Years Resolutions though. Well, okay, I don't make them often. This blog is not a New Years Resolution, it's just Christmas Break and I had some time to think about it. I also had time to try and redesign it for the 4th time. I imagine that this will contain many rants and thoughts and updates on my life as I try and understand what on earth I'm doing in my life right now.

I think all the rest I'll put in this first post is why this blog is called "Doors."

Doors is actually the title of the last dance piece I choreographed and it was about my life. This blog is about my life, so I guess it works. I feel like in life, at the very least my life right now, is full of doors, aka opportunities. God has given me several opportunities to partake in, doors in in a sense to walk through. I've enjoyed many of these experiences. Great things have been done in my life because of God's grace and provision. On the flip side, there have been A LOT of doors that I feel like I haven't really been able to walk through because they opened, and before I could set foot on the threshold, the door was slammed in my face.

So in summary, life is full of doors. Some of them are open, some of them are closed, all of them contain adventures, and only some will ever be walked through. Some I get to close, some God closes before I have a chance, almost all of them are confusing in some way or another.

Walk with me through this door in life and let's see where it takes us. Sound good?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1