Whirlwind of Life

Wow, I didn't realize how much time had passed since I had last been on here. Life sure does get crazy sometimes. I'm so looking forward to Spring Break so I can head off to Tennessee for a week and get away from school, Purdue, West Lafayette, the computer, dumb people, etc. Plus, some instituted God-time will be nice as well. It's hard to set aside quality time to just sit in the presence of your creator when there is always homework to be done, people to catch up with, research to work on, things to fix, errands to run...the list goes on and on. I just realized today that I have three exams next week, oops. How on earth has the time gotten away from me?!?

I guess in some ways that is a blessing though because when it is all said and done, I will glad for this semester of my life to be over. There are plenty of awesome things are have happened, are happening, and will happen this semester, but mostly I'm looking forward to not taking my current load of classes and to move on from these few months of life. I'm looking forward to moving out of the dorms and getting to cook for myself again, having a place I can call my own, and just being able to rest, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

There are however some things to look forward to.

Tomorrow Mum, Josiah and Jessica are all coming up to see Blue Man Group and I dearly miss them all. Poor Jess is suffering from bronchitis right now and made a little trip to the ER Sunday night, but regardless I can't wait to hug her again. I've never been much of a homebody, but I've also never had to spend SO much time away from home, even just visits. I haven't seen any of them since the very beginning of January, before I came back to school. I miss not being able to be there for them and see how they mature in their lives. Josiah is almost a man now, his voice is changing, he likes girls, it's crazy! And Jessica just got accepted in the Repertory Company at her dance school, which is a step up from the Apprenticeship that she was in. I am so proud of her!! Unfortunately she will not be able to take the position due to the family moving in the near future, but I am so proud of her accomplishments all the same. She is growing into a lovely dancer. :)

I had a chance to talk to my Mum today and heard good things about Dad and his new job. He is enjoying it a lot more now that it isn't so overwhelming and it sounds as though God has been teaching him a lot in these weeks. I know it's not the ideal situation for him to be apart from the family during the week, but it sounds as though he and mum are still doing well and maybe growing closer because of this. I am thankful that God provided a job for him, regardless of where it is. I do wish that we got free cookies though.....

Also, today in the dining courts a guy called me beautiful, out of the blue. That really made me smile. Not that I don't hear and appreciate it from Dan all the time, but when a random person says it to you, it kind of takes you aback and makes you feel awesome all at the same time.

Well, I guess that's all my ramblings for now...more coherent posts coming soon....hopefully. I told you about those three exams, right?

Women

So on Friday and Saturday I was able to go on the women's retreat with Campus House. 100 women went to Ross Camp for 18 hours of fellowship, music, and cookies. Oh, and buttons too. And I enjoyed myself, but I also realized things about myself.

First of all, it was really intimidating to be a room full of 100 women, especially when I only knew about half of them. Something about being in a room full of chattering smiley females makes me very introverted. I don't find my element among a group like that. I'm not particularly sure why that is. If I were going to be all psychological, I would say it goes back to elementary school when I was always the odd one out and dealt with a lot of cliques. Or perhaps it's because due to the cattiness of girls, I have just conditioned myself to be more comfortable with guys than girls. Whatever the case, it was a challenge to spend even 18 hours with that crowd. Not to say that I didn't enjoy it, it just wasn't always easy.

However, I did enjoy the retreat very much. Not only was it nice to get off campus because that hasn't happened in a while(read since coming back this semester) but because I feel like my spirit was fed a little. See, usually what happens to people is that they go on a retreat and they get this high and then they have to deal with coming down from it when they get back to the real world. But women's retreat wasn't some big spiritual high thing for me. I didn't cry, I didn't have this huge moment of WOW, there was no big event that happened. It was just solid teaching that I could soak up instead of having to prepare, and some honest conversation where I didn't feel weird sharing real parts of me. I got to listen to great stories and meet some new people. (I only met about 8 new girls, it was about all I could handle) I also learned how important it is to know how to pick locks. I knew there was a reason that was on my bucket list....

Anyway.

The best part of the retreat was when I was able to help Ali make breakfast for everyone. We prepared all the food on Friday night to be able to just pop into the oven the next morning. It felt great to be in a kitchen preparing food for people. Getting my hands covered in brown sugar and eggs and milk was wonderful and made me feel at home. Sometimes in the busyness of life, I forget how much I miss things that I used to get to do all the time.

I have more to say about what we actually talked about at women's retreat...but I'll leave you with this for now so the post isn't obnoxiously long. :) Plus, I really need to go to bed.

Valentine's Day

I love Valentine's Day. I just do. I always have and I probably always will. I've always been one to love seeing couples being affectionate and in love, I think that love, of any kind is a beautiful thing. Even when I was younger I have loved Valentine's Day. Even when I have been single(which is for most of them) I have loved Valentine's Day.

I think it's a beautiful thing. I mean, we have a holiday for everything else, why not one where we can remember to express our love for the important people in our life. Cause some people don't show affection or love very well, and Valentine's Day is the perfect opportunity where others can help them out. Plus for those who ARE great at regularly making sure that their loved one knows they are loved(aka Dan) then it's a chance to get good deals on fun coupley things. :)

On to the rant portion.

What bothers me are people who are so terribly against Valentine's Day and decide that they are going to be a curmudgeon and attempt to make other people feel bad for having a special guy/girl in their life.

What bothers me is people who say that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday meant to make single people miserable and coax more money out of desperate guys. I mean, do any of these people know anything about Saint Valentine and what he did? (if you don't go google it or something, it's an awesome story)

What bothers me is that people try and make me feel bad that this year I have an amazing guy in my life who wants to have a fun date night with me on a national holiday.

What bothers me is people who say, "Well, you should be telling your person that you love them and showing them all the time, not just once a year when everyone else does." Well to that I say two things. 1. I'm pretty sure that YOU(meaning the person saying this to me) don't do something nice and thoughtful for your person every day or even often. 2. my guy DOES let me know that he loves me often and does thoughtful things for me all the time. So if he wants to take me out then he is freaking allowed to!

Done with the ranting because in spite of people being dumb, I had a fantastic Valentine's Day with my love. He brought me a bouquet of a dozen Milky Way Midnights dressed up as flowers. :D They were attached to dowel rods and tied with ribbons and wrapped in tissue paper. Super creative and sweet(literally). I also got a giant microbe of mononucleosis, the disease that Dan so lovingly imparted on me last year. Then we went and painted pottery together and went out to dinner after. It was a nice evening to just spend together and enjoy each other's company without the presence of other people or the always looming homework. That's what Valentine's Day is about, being able to spend time with those that you love, whether that be your significant other, or your best friends, or your whole family.

So in summary, to those of you that like to hate on Valentine's Day, stop it.

Rant finished.

Who Am I?

I have had all of this on my heart and mind for about a week now...just now getting a chance to put it down in words.

I had a conversation with Lea(aka support staff/other mum/favorite person/one of the most beautiful persons I know) on Tuesday, like I always do and somehow we got around to talking about our identity and who we are. I realized that I don't know who I am. I know who I am "supposed" to be. I know all the Jesus-y things I am that don't always help very much in understanding your identity. (Like, Christian, Child of God, Sinner saved by grace, etc.) I know who I want myself to be. I don't know who I am though. Right now. I'm very discontent with what I am doing in my life right now, and I'm really struggling with this idea of identity.

For instance, I know who I am "supposed" to be. These are the labels that I have been given by other people, who they want me to be.
- Academic who is smart enough to have all of her college paid for
- Piano player who will continually bless others with her gift
- Dance Teacher who invests herself in the lives of her students and makes beautiful Jesus dances
- Daughter who gets along with her family and lives a life worthy to be a role model for her younger sister
- Strong Christian who encourages others in their faith, leads community groups, and dates a good Christian boy
- Friend who is always there to have a shoulder to cry on and gives really good advice all the time

That is who I feel other people want me to be. And the thing is, none of those things are BAD. It isn't wrong to be any of those things, but I've found that I am hurting myself emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent physically, trying to be these things that I feel the pressure to live up to. Especially since I epically fail at most/all of these things. I don't have the opportunity to continue to be someone that I used to be, I'm not living the same life that I did in high school, but I'm trying to.
Also, none of those titles really have to do with God and who I am in Him. And while I discredit some of the typical titles that Christians like to throw around to sound super spiritual, it is most definitely true that my identity really should come from Christ and His work in my life. Who is it that God wants me to be at this time in my life? What is my purpose RIGHT NOW in life, at Purdue, this semester. How am I going to continue to evolve and change throughout my life and throughout my spiritual journey?
Third, one of my problems is that I still want to be some of that person that is listed above. I'm not ready to give up parts of my life that maybe aren't as important anymore. I want to be the same person that I was previously because I liked that person. Or at least, I like the idealized version of me that I choose to remember. I'm not always open to learning how I can do similar things, in different capacities. Like, what it means to be a great big sister now, cause it has definitely changed since high school when I lived with my siblings and saw them every day. I need to be open and willing to this idea of re-definition and how Allyson is going to evolve as a person.

I've also always felt like I've had something to prove to people in my life, particularly academically. It was a big decision for me to choose to be homeschooled in high school. I have always felt this need to prove to other people and even to myself that it was the right decision for me to make. I know it was, but I still have to deal with the negative comments from other people in my life and the fact that my academics had to change when I went to college. This definitely hasn't always/ever been easy for me.


All this aside, I came up with a metaphor for what I feel like right now. I am sitting in the lobby of my life, just waiting. See, I do know some things about life right now. I know that God wants me at Purdue, I know that he has placed an incredible best friend, boyfriend, and mentor in my life. I know that (for the time being) I am supposed to be in Food Science, continuing on the best I can in the curriculum. So in a sense, I know that I'm in the right building. I have the right address, I got there on time, but when the receptionist asks how she can help me, I don't have an answer because I don't know why I'm there. So I just take a seat and wait to see what happens next. And don't get me wrong, lobbies can be fun places. I love hanging out in the lobby of Campus House all the time. But after a while, you just get bored and antsy and you kind of want to know why you are at this particular building and what you're going to do there or what you're going to learn from being there.

That's where I am. I have been sitting in the lobby for a while, not knowing why I am there. I just am. And I'm getting impatient trying to live life in the lobby with no passion or motivation to get me excited or happy about anything.

My problem is. I KNOW all of this. I KNOW that I need to listen to God attentively to understand what He wants me to do while I sit in the lobby. And I KNOW that if I commune with Him that He will satisfy my needs. And I KNOW that I need to be defined by God and what He wants me to do. And I KNOW that I need to trust Him so that when He does reveal a part of His plan, I am willing to follow it with my whole heart.

My question is: how on earth do I go about connecting this KNOWLEDGE with ACTION?? What do I do to actually get myself to this ideal beautiful place that exists somewhere around the clouds that people talk about all the time?

Until then, you all should come visit me in the lobby. Sometimes, it's not half bad.

It's impossible to live as a Christian...

...apart from total reliance on God's Spirit.

Today's sermon was about BE: Discerning. It's going to be somewhat difficult to clearly explain anything that happened because it was a completely illogically ordered sermon and my notes are really scrambled. To be fair though, Rob did warn us that the thinking behind the sermon wasn't linear at all. I think he did it just to mess with my OCD about note taking. But I digress...

I just wanted to share some thoughts that I got out of the sermon today.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
OR
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good." (The Message)

We talked a lot about objective evil and good and how important it is to have those present in your life. Evil isn't defined by what I hate nor is good defined by what I cling to. God's Word is an objective good. It is what we compare everything else to. It is God's heart, His love story, His thread of redemption running throughout humanity.

We also talked about this idea of clinging. You can't cling, read: hold onto for dear life, to God and to the world at the same time, it's not possible. In 2 Samuel 23, it talks about how Eleazar held onto his sword to defeat the Philistines to the point that his hand was frozen around the sword. "
Next to him was Eleazar son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty warriors, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammim[d] for battle. Then the Israelites retreated, 10 but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The LORD brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead."

How crazy is that? But that is how we must act when it comes to following Jesus. We have to cling to him so tightly that are hand becomes frozen around him. And if we are clinging like that, how would we ever be able to hold onto anything else?

We also talked about how you cannot just CHOOSE to do good over evil. Let's face it, we as human beings are simply able to overcome evil by choosing not to do it. We aren't strong enough, we don't have the willpower. It is impossible for us to live as a Christian just by choosing it. We have to rely, ie. cling, to the Spirit of God to even have a shot at living the way we are supposed to. How foolish we are to think that we can do anything, even good things, on our own or of our own accord.

There were a couple other things I wrote down about being "born again" but I really don't see how it directly relates to what I just said, so I think I'll save it for another post. I can barely take the randomness of this post as it is....

Oscar the Grouch

I've realized that I've been not very happy or pleasant since coming back to school. Like, overall. I get really frustrated and really upset and really overwhelmed really often. I'm not really quite sure why this is. Most people think of me as a happy person, I'd like to think that I am. I don't really know when I became so whiny and obnoxious. Jeez.

I'd like to be able to grasp a better understanding of why I'm like this. Maybe it's a sign of my need to be relying on God for the joy in my life rather than the number of exams or quizzes I have each week. Because I know that this will be a long, crazy semester, but I don't want to be a poophead throughout all of it.

Hmmm....

SNOW DAY

I know that it is currently 2:20am on Wednesday morning, so I guess YESTERDAY Purdue decided to join the rest of the state in granting us a snow day. yay!

My micro quiz was averted until further notice, thought I don't know when that will be. I spent most of the day sleeping, though I didn't really plan on that. I planned on being productive and doing lots of homework and laundry, but when you lie down to take a nap with no alarm clock.....yeah...

Also, this was the first snow day of my whole entire life. Thanks to the awesomeness of being homeschooled, I was never granted a day off simply to go play in the snow. I was just told to get my work done faster. *chuckles*

Thus far classes will not resume tomorrow until 10am, so I don't have my first class of the day and I won't be leaving until 1pm to head out into the snowy/more like icey abyss.

It is very cold outside, hopefully, we all survive.

dun dun dun dunnnnnn!!!!