All Grown Up

Good news: I got a job for the summer here at Purdue! I will be a Lab Technician working in the Pilot Plant and Sensory Lab in the Food Science Department. I am very excited because this is a job that I really wanted and I am really looking forward to working on something completely new. Plus, both the pilot plant and the sensory lab are very hands on and I'm excited about that aspect as well. Plus, my boss is super friendly and a really nice guy. I anticipate learning a lot this summer. It's also a lot of hours, adult hours. Like 8:30am-5:00pm days. Another new experience to get used to. On top of taking a class in Indy. The summer will be rough, but hopefully rewarding.

Bad news: The job starts right after finals week, so I won't be able to go home for any amount of time. I don't get to go be a kid for a few weeks and enjoy the comforts of home before my family moves and it is no longer my home. When I told my mum, she said that she was happy for me, but very sad that I wouldn't be coming home. I'm sad too. Sometimes growing up isn't very fun. As excited as I am for new experiences and living in an apartment on my own and finally being responsible to pay my rent and cook my food, the thought simply terrifies me at times. At times I just want to be able to go back home and stay in my parent's house and know that they will take care of me. I don't want to think about budgets and living expenses and making good decisions. I just want to hang out with my little brother and sister and build massive forts in the living room and eat pizza for lunch every day.

Who knew that growing up would be so sad? That it would be a celebration as well as a mourning process? That it wouldn't just always feel right?

A Phoenix, Buried

If any of you came to X-Works this past weekend, then you might have enjoyed many of the pieces presented in the show. You might also have wondered what any of them meant! I know that most of modern dance is confusing to understand especially for those that are not exposed to the dance world very often. I personally try to not take a literal approach to my choreography for two reasons: 1. I want each person to be able to interpret it in their own way and have it affect them on a personal level rather than just taking away from it what it means to me. 2. It's a little terrifying to put out there all the personal emotions that often go into a dance piece, particularly this one, "A Phoenix, Buried".

However, I decided that I would explain the reasoning behind this piece to give you all a taste of what runs through my mind. Scary, I know.

So this is my explanation of why I made this piece and what it means to me.

This solo is actually an adaptation of a solo that was choreographed on me 4 years ago by my old ballet instructor, Tricia Graf. She gifted me this piece of choreography when I had to leave the school due to moving to Anderson in the middle of my sophomore year. Originally this piece came out of a lot of angry and frustrating emotions that I experienced during the move to Anderson and my attempt to push God out of my life during that time. As many of you know, my pushing God out attempts didn't work very well. I was going to youth group at Bethany Christian Church and just getting slammed in the face every week with the realness and authenticity of God and who He was. He had never left my side throughout the whole ordeal of the move, the continuation of my parent's rocky relationship, and the feelings of loneliness and hurt I felt . I was getting an overdose of God at that point in my life and it was the only thing keeping me stable.

Coming back to this piece 4 years later, I wanted it to be representative of my life again. But clearly my life has changed a lot in the past 4 years, so the ideas behind the dance would change as well. "A Phoenix, Buried" is about my struggle of meshing my old life(who I used to be, what I used to do, how people used to perceive me) with my new life. This is manifested in the mash of balletic and modern moves throughout the piece. Ballet represents my "old life" and Modern represents my "new life." This is also fitting because most dancers start their dancing career(as I did) training in ballet; it is the foundation most dance forms are built upon. In the same way, my life is built upon itself and I could not have gotten to where I am in my life now, without having first experienced the life that I did.

The dance starts with Ashley at the barre, in typical ballet fashion, but right from the start, you realize that this isn't a normal ballet piece. From the start you can observe the fight going on between trying to be one way, and having something else always seeping back in. This continues throughout the piece with thrashing, chaotic movements and floor work immediately followed by a series of tendus that are interrupted by contractions and contortions of the upper body.

The barre is also a very important part of this piece. In ballet, everything starts at the barre. You begin every class warming up at the barre, you use it to train, you use it for balance, you always come back to it. So in this piece, the barre is always there. Even if Ashley isn't dancing with it, or paying attention to it, it's always there. That foundation will always be there, and that small nagging presence of who I used to be will always be there, in the back of my mind.

The end is somewhat abrupt; the dance has come up to the present time, and the future is unknown. Therefore, the dance cannot continue until life continues to happen. At the very end, Ashley ends in a pose behind the barre, not in the center spotlight. To many this might look like a lighting error, but that is the way I wanted it. In the light is where she is supposed to be, but that ever present barre is keeping her from it. In the same way, the light is where I am supposed to be, but that presence of my "old life" all those expectations of who I am supposed to be, are keeping me from being where I need to be, preventing me from where I should be.

This piece isn't supposed to end with things all wrapped up in a pretty bow, that's not how life ever is. If I wasn't so aesthetically opposed to ending a piece with continual movement, that probably would have been a more logical ending to symbolize the continuation of life. I prefer to think that someone just pushed stop on the dance as if to say, "Well that's the snapshot that you get to see, tune in next time for the continuation of this story." And of course, there will always be a continuation, until I die. Then I can continue the dance in heaven, and won't that be beautiful! :)

I needed a reminder

Why my Life is Blessed and I Should be Thankful:

1. I have an incredible man in my life who supports me, challenges me, and brings me closer to God. He is the only man I have ever loved and I deeply want to marry him someday.

2. I have thusly paid for my college education without the use of school loans.

3. I have great friends(like Josh, Sarah, Ethan, Julia, Monica, Ashley, Hannah, and so many others) who make my life wonderful, happy, and full.

4. I have a fantastic roommate, Ginny, that I get along with swimmingly and I can laugh for hours on end with.

5. I have a talent and an outlet for my creative expression through dance. I have been equipped with the tools and encouragement to form pieces that satisfy my need to say things I can't express in words and opportunities to share that with others.

6. I have a mum who is my biggest cheerleader, pushes me to make the best decisions in life, is ALWAYS there when I need encouragement, prayer, or a hug, and keeps me on track with life.

7. I have my second mum, Lea, who prays with me whenever I need it, is there to vent to, asks me good questions, and provides a wise perspective on life.

Sometimes, I get hit with the jealousy monster in a MAJOR way. Like, to the point where seeing people post things on facebook about awesome things they did or are going to do makes me sick to my stomach and breeds this intense hatred for what their life looks like as opposed to mine. I hate that this happens. I hate that I cannot be happy for other people for how God has uniquely equipped and blessed them, because all I can think of when I hear or see it is, "That should have been me. That is who I was supposed to be." I don't know how to counteract this. I know that these other people, their lives aren't perfect. I don't know how they have suffered in the past or how they are suffering now. I don't know what their home life is like, or what their daily struggles are. I have no basis to my ridiculous jealousy, yet it still continues to fester. Sometimes I feel like if only I knew that their life wasn't perfect, if only I could understand what they have gone through, then I would be able to accept how God has blessed them and know that it isn't the way I was meant to be blessed. Or maybe I should be able to accept that regardless...

Miracles.

That video represents one of the most incredible things I have had the privilege of experiencing. When I met Dan, he was a self-proclaimed agnostic who didn't want to say the word "God" out loud. Through the miracle of God's work in his heart and life, almost exactly one year later, he was baptized on the Spring Break trip in Tennessee. That week held a lot of meaningful and wonderful conversations with each other. Before the trip I was worried about spending such an intense week together, I was worried that we would be clingy and not meet other people, or that Dan just wouldn't experience things to the depth that I did. But my fears were unfounded(surprise surprise) and the week was a great growing experience for us as a couple and gave us a chance to refocus our relationship on God, rather than on each other.

I realized while in Tennessee that when we are "at home" at Purdue, whenever we talk to each other, it usually revolves around what happened that day in our lives. But in Tennessee it revolved around what God was doing in us each day. We were so much more aware of God's working in our lives rather than focusing on ourselves.

It's been a struggle being back to keep that our focus. We so easily slipped back into what WE are doing, and what is happening in OUR lives, we lost sight of God, again.

It's my prayer that we will intentionally grow our relationship as a couple, focused on God's desires for us, rather than our desires for ourselves.

I'm still alive.

I know it's been a while, but to be fair, I was in Tennessee on Spring Break and then trying to be a good student upon my return to Purdue.

Spring Break was so overwhelming, but in a good way.

The fun parts were really fun. There was many a game of euchre beasted with my allstar partner Dan, an adventure at MagiQuest, a trail ride taken on wild mountain horses, and a near death experience with the broad side of a mountain and a mass of mud.

Spiritually it was difficult though. God really spoke to my heart and broke me at times. I learned a lot about community and what that has looked like in my life and how that perhaps needs to change. A lot of broken relationships came to light, as well as new friendships forming.

I'm still processing a lot of information and trying to understand how: community should manifest itself in my life, and how I can take all the revelations, understanding, and desire for God and translate it to real life at Purdue and not leave it on the beautiful mountainside.

More thoughts and notes will come up as well as a video of Dan's baptism. :D

I hate exams

I despise their ability to feel like they have stripped you of all your knowledge that you have so lovingly stored up over the past weeks.

I despise exams with only 12 questions so that if you miss even one you are pretty much screwed.

I despise being made to feel like I don't know anything about a particular subject well I KNOW that I have a damn good understanding of every concept presented thus far.

I despise the large influence exams have over grades as if a few pages of questions accurately reflects the learning that took place during the course of the class.

I despise all the things that those grades ride on and how everyone uses it as a measure against which we rate people into "those I will hire vs. those I will not" or "those who deserve free education and those who do not." Since when did numbers determine the ability of a person to perform well or be a contributing member of society?

These numbers divide our community into this ranking of good, better, and best. We begin to fail to see that each person is worthwhile, has an important place in our lives, and is a treasured being because they are a Child of God and made in His breathtaking image.

I mean, sure I don't want some surgeon cutting into me if they aren't capable of remembering all the things they need to know, and I don't want someone doing my taxes who isn't able to add and manipulate numbers well, but that isn't what I am talking about here.

I'm talking about how destructive these numbers can be. How they segregate people into these groups and give those with the higher numbers this idea that they are better than everyone else. There are few things that I despise more than a brainiac honors student who thinks that the world looks up to them because their GPA starts with the number 4 and when they graduate their first paycheck is going to have more zeroes at the end of it than mine. I'm tired of the engineers and scientists(including me) who think that they are better than those who study something that doesn't require pages of calculations for their homework. Who think that just because they get to wear white coats and have lots of extra letters before and after their name that makes them better than their peer sitting in the Liberal Arts building. I said to a fellow nerd recently that all those people in LA majors help make the world go round just as much as we do, and if they didn't do what they did, our lives would be a lot less awesome. His response was, "Yeah but they can't tell you how the world goes round." All I could think of in response was "Who cares?"

We are all made differently for a reason, because we all have a different purpose in life. So stop trying to rank people into good, better, best, super best and remember that super awkward, or super dumb person in your class was made in the image of our Creator and has just as important of a purpose on this earth as you do.

Interview

That's right, an interview. I have one. On Monday. At 10:45am. With Morgan Foods.

Yup.

You might be asking, "But Allyson, I thought you gave up the whole internship search last semester when you got tired of getting rejected by companies for things you had little control over at the time?" Well, you would be right. I decided to make other plans for my summer that included staying in West Lafayette and taking classes. Those may still very well end up being my plans, this is, remember, an interview, not a job offer. Wow, that last sentence had a lot of commas in it.

I am very excited about the opportunity for an interview. And it's completely a God thing because I didn't even directly apply for this internship. Gwen, the job person in the FS department sent them my resume, along with many others, and they decided that they would give me 30 minutes of their time if I so chose to take them up on it.

I'm also freaking out because while I have had several interviews in my time, most of them were for camp, and most of the time, I had a pretty good odds of coming out with some kind of job. This, not so much.

Anyway, I don't really have a lot of details about the internship that I didn't directly apply for but am interviewing for except that it is in Austin, IN(not Texas, unfortunately) and it's with Morgan Foods which is a co-packing company.(they make food products that they sell to other companies to sell under their label)

It does kind of amaze me, though perhaps it shouldn't by now, how interestingly God can work sometimes. It seems like as of late, He has been giving me a lot of ideas. Like, don't keep your heart and mind set on this one thing, be open to other opportunities. I like to plan my life out a lot and really far in advance, but the past few weeks have been full of a lot of reconsidering. And thus far, He hasn't really imprinted it on my heart that I really need to change anything right now, it's more just been the process of considering other options and keeping an open mind.

Well, that was my day today.

That and an awesome rave with Josh. :D yeeeah awkward dancing!